The truth has finally come out

I have a confession to make. I lied about my house burning down.

I lied in order to gain sympathy from my ex-girlfriend. I thought that if she felt enough pity for me in my time of tragedy and need, it would help us get back together. I mean, who wouldn’t want me. Just look at this suave photo of me.

Tryg, enough about the photo, how do you expect anyone to believe anything you say from now on?

Well, my lying just shows how much I wanted to get my girlfriend back. Let the people believe what they want. I know what the truth is. Sometimes you just gotta hurt the ones you love in order to make things better.

What the hell does that mean? Are you some sort of sadist?

No, I just read that in one of my philosophy classes.

Anyway back to my house. When my grandmother read the column about my house burning to the ground, she gave me a huge guilt trip about lying, so I decided to come clean in order to assuage my conscience.

Actually, she said that she would burn the house down herself unless I told you the truth. Damn woman. That’s the last time I call her at the old folk’s home.

My girlfriend was not impressed with my little charade, though. She destroyed my triple-edged underwater plane saw in order to get back at me. What’s a guy to do with out his underwater plane saw?

Tryg, just what is a guy supposed to do?

Ha! Ha! You’re so funny. You should be writing this instead of me, oh great, all-knowing editor. You think it’s easy trying to be funny each week while at the same time juggling around schoolwork, my role as a campus leader and my PlayStation. It’s not as easy as it looks, Einstein.

On another note, has anyone noticed the weather this weekend? I enjoyed walking down to the Mall and watching all the GW girls strutting their stuff. Nothing like little, tight black outfits in 80-degree weather to show off little, tight white asses. Wish we had some more of that kind of stuff back in Minnesota. That would be a lot more fun than going ice fishing with neighbors.

I am beginning to think that moving Commencement to the Ellipse was a bad idea. It is going to be so damn hot. Especially with that damn El Ni?o and all.

But don’t fear, I have a plan. I have hired the now-jobless Rat-trick McAnus to persuade the administration to move the ceremony back to the MCI Center. I am even thinking about writing another open letter to SJT about heat stroke.

Please Tryg, no more open letters. There is only so much that the GW community can take in a year.

While we’re on the Commencement subject, have they picked a speaker yet? Although I shall be graduating, I am still very much available to speak to my fellow graduates.

Why do you think anyone would want to hear you speak when they can read your column each week?

Listen wise guy, one more outburst from you, and you’re going to have to go to that pansy “I-was-a-paid-intern-so-therefore-I’m-a-cool” guy and ask him, no make that, beg him, to come write for you. After all, after his rag, “Yo, Testes!” folds, he’ll have plenty of time to spare.

So like most seniors, I’m trying to figure out what to do after graduation. I have come to a conclusion – I have no idea what I am going to do. What kind of job can I get that will pay well, yet help me attain true happiness? I just don’t know? I wonder if I can keep writing this column post-graduation?

No.

Shoot. Maybe I can become a TV sports commentator. That would be neat. Then I could play with one of those pens that lets me draw the plays on viewers’ screens. I could write funny messages and no one would be able to stop me. Ah, the power I have always longed for!

Tryg, you have to get a grip. You’re not going to get any sort of decent job – you’re a philosophy major for Christ’s sake!

Dammit, if I can’t be a sports commentator, then I’ll just go around the country and be a leader whenever a leader is needed. That is my calling in life. I have found my destiny! Whenever there is suffering, injustice or liberty is threatened, and a leader is needed, I’ll be there.

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