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AN INDEPENDENT STUDENT NEWSPAPER SERVING THE GW COMMUNITY SINCE 1904

The GW Hatchet

Serving the GW Community since 1904

The GW Hatchet

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Officials name senior vice president, chief of staff
By Fiona Riley, Assistant News Editor • March 26, 2024

Sports Tighty Whities

Golf team to “fuck up” Yale squad

Having discovered that the Yale University golf team was behind the theft of its clubs in November, the GW golf team vowed to get payback last week.

“Those motherfuckers stole our clubs when we were up in New Haven, so we’re gonna fuck ’em up,” said GW Coach Snotty Melon.

Melon did not indicate exactly how the Colonials would “fuck ’em up” and would not confirm that the team was behind several golf cart drive-by attempts on Yale golf team members.

“I have no comment on that,” said Melon while smiling and polishing a Glock.

GW senior Luis Massiveslice said he was planning to use his clubs as weapons.

“I’m gonna bust heads,” said the native of Somesunny Beach, Spain. “I can’t get the ball on the fairway with my clubs, so why not use them as blunt weapons.”

In a tournament in New Haven, Conn. in November, Colonial freshman Mike Gottagetsome and several other team members had their clubs stolen. Gottagetsome was forced to use Coach Melon’s bigger sticks, resulting in Gottagetsome injuring his wrist. However, Gottagetsome admitted last week that his wrist injury really resulted from furious masturbating.

The New Haven police department could never solve the case, so the Colonials said they would take matters into their own hands.

“Those fat, donut-eating, no-case-solving pigs never even tried to find the culprits, so we’re going to get justice Charles Bronson style,” bitched GW junior Dan Painintheass.

Several Colonials said they had taken part in a golf cart drive-by attempt on Yale players. GW senior Hideonomo Wannabe, and twins Joe Canthitthegreen and Jim Cantgetitup all said they had been involved in drive-by attempts.

The PGA got involved when they heard that the team used a golf cart. “I don’t know why they couldn’t just walk-by” Un Thoughtful, President of the PGA said.-Damniwanna FondleherGod of all golf-related media

Crew team: buff chicks, blue dicks

GW crew team members were seen around campus wearing T-shirts reading “GW crew: buff chicks, blue dicks” Friday.

“That’s our new motto,” explained Coach Heavy Petting. “We wanted to show school spirit, so we put buff and blue on the shirts, but it also describes the team.”

“It really does describe the team, we get out on the water early in the morning when its so cold and the guys, well, you know how it is,” said team member Sam Shrinkage.

“It’s very descriptive, we crew chicks are buff and bad asses. Don’t fuck with me shorty, or I’ll fuck you up right now,” said team member Tara de Rowswithcrabs.-Long-and-hard Dash

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