My attempt at Mideast understanding

I DIDN’T WRITE MONDAY’S COLUMN. Those Hatchet fools parodied me. However, this is a real COLUMN by me and it is all about bombings. This is serious stuff so if you want a laugh, go run naked through J Street.

mbbI recently read in the paper we were considering bombing Iraq before some commie African dude messed it all up. This week I interviewed a GW Libyan, Rania Swadek, to find out what it is like to be bombed by real bombs.

If you will recall, we bombed Libya in the ’80s because of some arguments over terrorism, coastal territory jurisdiction, Cyndi Lauper and Stove Top Stuffing. We did not toast our target, Muammar Qaddafi, but we did manage to knock off a bunch of civilians including some of Rania’s acquaintances. (Her friend’s mother had her whole family wiped out and first learned about it when she saw the rubble on TV.) Here goes:

Rob: “What did you think of Americans when we were bombing the hell out of you?”

Rania: “I was mad. I was scared for my family. I feel America often gets involved where it is not wanted to cover its own interests. Libya is very rich in oil.”

Rob: “What do you think about the situation in Iraq and should we bomb the hell out of them, too?”

Rania: “No. When you bomb a country like Iraq, it is never the leaders that suffer. It is always the civilians and they have no control over what goes on.”

Rob: “Let’s say Saddam does have chemical weapons and he wants to kill rich little innocent whitebread Americans like me. What should I do?”

Rania: “I don’t know. My major is not diplomacy, but I know bombing is not the answer – 500,000 Iraqi children have died as a result of the first bombing. I think they should lift the embargo. The embargo has made the people desperate.”

Rob: “What ethnicity of guys do you find most attractive?”

Rania: “No comment.”

Rob: “What do you think of Muammar Qaddafi?”

Rania: “I like Qaddafi in the sense he stands up to Israel and Western intervention in order to protect Arabs, but I wish he would focus more on the economic and social problems of the Libyan people.”

Rob: “Does he have any interns?”

Rania: “I doubt it.”

Rob: “Do you guys still have harems over there?”

Rania: “No. That was pre-Islam.”

Rob: “Darn. Will you take that scarf off your head if I give you $5?”

Rania: “No.”

Rob: “$20?”

Rania. “No.”

Rob: “What’s up with that?”

Rania: “This is a Muslim obligation for women to preserve their modesty. It is so they are respected for who they are and not how they look. As a woman in America, I find that women are exploited and they don’t even know it. I watch them talk to men and the men aren’t even listening to what they are saying. The men are just checking them out.”

Rob: “Will you date me?”

Rania: “No. Even if you were Muslim I would not date you because dating is like drinking. There is more bad than good in it.”

Rob: “Let’s say I’m a Muslim and I want to marry you, what would I do?”

Rania: “You would ask around about me. Then you would formally propose to my father and then we would sit formally with a third party and get to know each other. If I didn’t like you, I would tell you through someone else I’m not interested.”

Rob: “Well, would you like to marry me?”

Rania: “No.” Until next time, take care of yourself and each other.

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