GW men’s basketball coach Ike Jarofurine has turned down head coaching offers from more than 200 Division I schools in order to pursue another job, president of the Hair Club for Men.
“I think my smooth, shiny dome is the kind of look the company wants to push,” Jarofurine said while carefully polishing his head with a handkerchief. “My head is so beautiful!”
The current president of the company, Afro Sideburns, didn’t seem too concerned about losing his job, though.
“Has he looked at himself in the mirror lately? Why the hell would the Hair Club want him? He is bald. B-A-L-D. As in no hair. None whatsoever. There’s more hair on his butt, I bet,” Sideburns said.
Jarofurine always has been a hot commodity on the coaching market, but this year the rumor mill reached an all-time high. Notre Dame University has been actively pursuing Jarofurine not for his talent as a coach, but for his look.
“The `Golden Dome’ wants the sharpest looking dome on the planet as its head basketball coach,” Notre Dame Athletic Director I. M. Catholic said. “Anything less would be uncivilized.”
ESPN also reported that the University of North Carolina offered Jarofurine its head coaching position after being embarrassed by the Running White Guys of the University of Utah in the Final Four Saturday.
“I don’t understand,” UNC head coach Bill Gutrot said. “I’m bald, too. Aren’t I beautiful?”
Despite all the offers and Jarofurine’s wish to leave, GW still is interested in trying to retain Jarofurine, according to Athletic Director Jackoff Inmypants.
“We would really miss his bald head around here,” Inmypants said. “We wouldn’t miss him as a coach, but damn, I love looking at that smooth skull.”
But Jarofurine said he is adamant about giving up his coaching career to earn the top spot at the Hair Club.
“Yelling at players who don’t appreciate my lustrous cranium isn’t fulfilling for me anymore,” Jarofurine said. “All they want to do is unimportant stuff like practice and play basketball. I need feedback on how good I’m looking.”
Many of the players have stated that Jarofurine’s obsession with his bald head has had a negative effect on the team, and may have led to its first-round loss in the 1998 NCAA Tournament.
“He poured oil all over it his head for the game with the Cowgirls because he knew he would be on national television,” point guard Shorten Raunchy said. “Whenever we looked at him on the bench, we got blinded for a few seconds.” Center Atleastime Cool also felt Jarofurine’s head is distracting, but for different reasons.
“I think it’s sexy,” Cool said. “I always find myself wanting to rub it.”
Despite all the controversy it seems that Jarofurine’s dream won’t be realized according to the chairman of the Hair Club’s board of directors, Ihava Toupee
“We have a policy that our presidents must also be clients,” Toupee said. “When you look at Jarofurine’s bare scalp, it is pretty damn obvious he doesn’t use our products.”