Editors’ note: Since we are such poor journalists and too damn lazy to write an actual feature story, we have provided the word-for-word transcript of our interview with GW men’s basketball player Pack the Bong, women’s basketball player Chastity Myass and Sports Misinformation Director Backedup Bowels

GWobe: Lets begin with men’s basketball forward Pack the Bong. Can you respond to the reports that you were caught with more than a kilo of pot in northern Virginia last week?

Pack the Bong: What can I say, I’m an enterprising man. I mean, shit, someone has to supply this campus with weed. People have the wrong perception of me. Y’all think I’m all bashful. Fuck that. Where did that come from?

G: That’s a lot of pot, aren’t you worried you’ll go to jail?

PB: Naaaa. Man, I’m a high roller. I’ll beat the wrap.

G: Would you say you’re GW’s biggest supplier of pot?

PB: Well, there were a few competitors, but I got rid of them. The golf team members are surprisingly good hit men, those white boys can really fuck people up.

G Who’s your best customer?

PB: Definitely my teammate Francisco da Handsofstone. Ya know he’s from Holland and all, so he really needs that shit. Why do you think he’s been playing better lately? Man, that kid was one oakey stiff until I hooked him up with some good weed.

G: Do any other players buy from you?

PB: Sure, everyone does, it relaxes us before games. Do you really think we could miss that many open jumpers if we weren’t all stoned? Only center Somany Fouls doesn’t smoke up with us, he’s just a little too stiff. The other Russians don’t much either, they’re more into Vodka shots before the game. Especially forward Yo Momjerksoff, that kid can really drink.

G: Coach Ike Jarofurine doesn’t mind all this?

PB: No. He understands that when you recruit players from far away lands and different cultures, you have to be open-minded and realize that some people have different lifestyles.

G: We’d like to get Coach Jarofurine’s reaction to these developments, but unfortunately he couldn’t be with us. He went on a recruiting trip to Nepal, to find the one 6-10 foreign player who can’t shoot who wasn’t at GW yet. Instead we are joined by GW Sports Misinformation Director Backedup Bowels. Mr. Bowels, what’s the University’s position on all this substance abuse?

Backedup Bowels: I haven’t got a clue, how the fuck should I know?

G: Well, are there any other developments with the men’s team? What about the report that forward Yo Momjerksoff has joined Alcoholics Anonymous?

BB: Look, I don’t know anything, they don’t tell me anything. I’m outta here. I’m goin’ to Leo’s.

G: Well, we also have women’s basketball player Chastity Myass with us. Chastity, is there any kind of substance abuse like this on the women’s team?

Chastity Myass: Hell no. We don’t touch that stuff.

G: So at least the women’s team is on the straight and narrow, right?

CM: Well, not exactly. We’re all kind of bad asses. That’s why the refs call so many fouls on us. We have a rep. The refs were out to get us this year. Did you see some of those calls? We got screwed!

G: Why were the refs out to get you?

CM: It was a conspiracy, C-O-N-spiracy. It might also have had something to do with our warm-ups. You know the ones that read “Baddest Bitches in the Beltway.”

G: Thank you all for joining us and saving us from writing a feature story.