Oral satisfaction

I am writing to inform the GW community of the area’s least-known talent group, the Twitches. We are GW’s first, only and best a cappella group comprised entirely of women with Turret’s Syndrome.

Because of The GWobe’s obvious bias toward us, we never receive publicity for our twice-yearly performances. (Because of the nature of our disease, our members are sometimes wrongly arrested for violating obscenity laws).

Therefore, we must resort to alternative forms of attention-getting. Our new policy is to spice our performances – remember that scene Madonna did with an Evian bottle in Truth or Dare? That’s nothing! We’ll go much further than that. How far? As far as you want to go, baby!

So please, come out and support the Twitches! Where else can you see sex stuff, outbursts of obscenities and an a cappella concert all in one place?-Crabby ManturdTwitch bitch

DIKs out in full force

We, the brothers of Delta Iota Kappa, would like to express our extreme displeasure with coverage of Tool events by The GWobe. Your piece of ferret turd rag is just showing everybody how much you hate us and will never show us in a good light, no matter what nice things we have to do because of disciplinary probation.

DIK has been in existence for more than 123 years. In that time, our members have distinguished themselves from non-Tools. Many of our brother-masters have led successful and normal lives after having their gonads ignited during Tool pledging events. Currently we are searching for a new shed where all Tools can live together. Due to several incidents The GWobe blew completely out of proportion at our previous shed, our lease was terminated.

Today’s Tools are different from the collection of Tools in years past. We have collected 12 cans from each of our pledges which we give to homeless people who live in the area. The GWobe completely ignored this major philanthropic event. But The GWobe has never strayed from hyping up any time our Tools have gone to the hospital to have their stomachs pumped after we poured beer down their throats with a funnel for half an hour.

Why don’t you people mind your own business? We are trying to pass on the Tool traditions handed down by our brother-masters to our very own Tool pledges. You people don’t understand us. If you ain’t ever been to the Tool Shed, don’t ever come to the Tool Shed, because you wouldn’t understand the Tool Shed, so stay the fuck out of the Tool Shed.

-Al CoholicDIK head

Handful of hurt

I have been severely hurt by this University many times. But this time, they’ve gone too far. How dare they tell me, a human being, that I am less than everyone else because of who I am! I am a man. Like any man, I have feelings. Why can’t people at this University understand this?

Last week, while using the men’s bathroom at the Marvin Center, something completely unacceptable occurred.

The bouncer at the third-floor bathroom door let me in without hassle. After putting in a request with the DJ for “Disco Inferno,” I went to the Velvet Stall.

When I was done with my business, I reached over for toilet paper. But what I found has caused me many nights of lost sleep. The toilet paper these people – the University – had in the roll was white! How dare the administration use white as the only acceptable toilet paper!

Are we not a rainbow of people, values and diversity? I think so. Are we all white, straight Protestant males at this school? I think not. Then why do we insist on perpetuating the myths of conservative traditionalists by maintaining only white toilet paper? What kind of message are we sending to the children of our nation?

I am demanding that the administration immediately install rainbow-colored toilet paper in every stall on campus. Anyone who disagrees with me is a racist, homophobic, small-minded, Nazi fascist with irregular bowel movements. Furthermore, I am demanding that all bathrooms be equipped with audio capabilities that play Village People and Back Street Boys continuously.

These are not extreme demands, I am just asking for what I think are reasonable requests. The time has come for the hurting to stop at GW. I will not stand for any more hurting to be done to me.

-Thrustin’ Bent-Nubbinwhiner

All dried up

I would just like to thank everyone who came out to support me during my ill-thought-out campaign. While I knew I had no chance in hell of winning, I still went all-out and so did my three supporters. Thanks guys. It is because of tools like you that people like me are not elected.

I represented those at GW that have traditionally been ignored – the fashion disasters, the anorexic, the perpetually tanned, the clueless. Yet I was soundly defeated after mounting a hard-hitting campaign. How was I to know that students wanted more than just vocal rimjobs? Both me and Rat-trick Lickanus thought our campaign of bullshit and bimbos was going to propel us to victory. We had even made reservations at a tanning salon for our victory party!

So now I have no job for next year. If I had been smart, I would never have joined forces with Lickanus and would have stayed friends with Messy Louse. I want to congratulate Louse on his campaign, and let him know that if he needs any gimps, I have a bunch of friends I would highly recommend for the job. Good luck next year, and remember, falling asleep in a tanning bed is not a good idea when running for office.

-Sun-Dried Raisin FlavorGW has-been

Actual letter

I am a 36-year-old single college student with no children. This letter addresses the priorities of people seeking education. With the world population moving upward irreversibly, the economic maladjustments and the earth’s resources vanishing, I want to state something about “forever.”

There is infinite concern for the needs of legal minors and babies in the world’s system. Each generation grows mature to do worse behaviors than the previous. Parents and children will rationalize themselves into their own lifestyle leaving no point to responsibility.

We lost this world, and if there is a God, he or she undoubtedly cares for us. He will not fix it because it is not his fault. Temptations are the advice you get from your questions about your problems. This can sound like I don’t know what love is. May a person fall in love with someone and help others? Show me the love in this world. I see selfishness.

-Lonely Loony