Students fear fatalities at Commencement

Grassroots groups are uniting across campus to change the location of Commencement this May. Students are asking that graduation be held at the MCI Center as El Ni?o threatens to bring lightening storms, hurricanes and tornadoes to the East Coast in May.

Members of the Student Committee Against El Ni?o and Graduation on the Ellipse (SCAENGE) said the administration must cancel its plans for graduation on the Ellipse because they fear dying in El Ni?o-related natural disasters.

The current activism was spurred by news reports that California has been engulfed by the Pacific Ocean during a recent wave of storms. The weather front will hit the Washington, D.C. area by mid-May, according to the National Weather Service.

At a recent SA town hall meeting, students voiced their opinions to the administration and Board of Trustees members, who had to be kept awake by periodical lashes of whips by lame duck SA President Muyokar “Y” Gulpyourfood.

“Students are scared of being exposed to violent weather conditions with nothing to shield them but their mortar board graduation caps,” said Student Association Sen. Wanna-be-Maverick Macinforvotes. “My constituency has said it will run to mommies and daddies to complain.”

“I paid good money to come to GW and I expect to live through my graduation,” said Jason Waver, an SA senator representing the grotesquely overtan.

“The University would be going back on another promise by letting us die,” said Justen Boyami-Annoying. “The University will hurt me again.”

But GW President Stephen Jughead Tractorbuying said the University needs to look at the most cost-effective method of administering Commencement.

“We can not take back the deposit we put in for the Ellipse,” he said. “Students had the chance to schedule Commencement at the MCI Center, but last semester they chose the Ellipse . if the weather causes a few health hazards, the University can not be held accountable.”

Lynn Shippinout, head of special events, said whatever students want the administration will settle on something else.

“Our ultimate goal here is to screw the students,” Shippinout said. “Or maybe we’ll just let Tractorbuying make the switch at the last minute so he looks like a hero.”

The Hatchet has disabled comments on our website. Learn more.