Colonial Inauguration became a nightmare for a large class of incoming freshmen when University President Steven Jole Trachenburgh initiated a campus building renaming spree and poisoned protesting parents, according to recently surfacing reports.
Parents wreaked havoc on stationary exercise bikes when Trachtenburgh announced his plan to rename the Smith Center the Trachtenburgh Complex.
As a protest to the name change, visiting parents refused to eat the shrimp cocktails served in J Street and proceeded to the Smith Center, ripping up checks that would have been their first tuition payments.
The parents then filled the fitness room to capacity and worked out for two hours, refusing to give up their bikes to the parents waiting outside.
Trachtenburgh ordered J Street workers to deliver filet mignon to the athletic center.
“I just can’t stand to see food from the night before go to waste, just ask my wife,” he said.
One parent, Jim Jonestown said, “Well, it was a nice gesture. He even offered free punch.”
Every non-vegetarian parent died of food poisoning that night and Trachtenburgh renamed the Smith Center just before students returned to campus for the fall semester.
“They were none the wiser,” Trachtenburgh said. “These CI kids don’t remember silly names like Smith and the like.”
After the parents were found dead on 23rd and G streets surrounded by J Street food containers, Unprofessional Puppet Dolls ruled out any foul play.
“Let’s face it, J Street food is bad, and these parents had not built up a tolerance for this crap like students have,” UPD officer Tony the Tiger said.
Trachtenburgh said he changed the name of the Smith Center because he wanted the new athletic facilities to honor everyone who has ever shared his last name.
He announced plans to name the New Hall after his brother and change J Street to “SJT Street.”
By no longer using the name of Charles Smith for the athletic facilities, the school can have contact sports once again.
“Now we can play football,” Trachtenburgh said. “And you thought we sucked in other sports.”
The surviving heir to the Smith family said he will have to renounce all the family’s financial support to the University.
“It’s a tragic, tragic day when my family can’t prevent a school from reaching it’s full potential by denying it a football team,” Charles Smith XII said.
Smith said the University owes him $40 million in donations. Trachtenburgh said he will be forced to sell Mount Vernon College to make up for the loss.
As part of the new contact sports being offered, Trachtenburgh announced plans to bring Jimmy “The Greek” Snyder to GW to coach the new GW football team.
Snyder said the fact that he was fired from his job at CBS Sports for racist comments would not have an effect on his coaching.
“Just give me enough slaves – and we’ll be great,” Snyder said.
Minutes after receiving the GW position, Snyder got calls from other schools with coaching offers. GW Athletic Director Jack Schvantz said every school is allowed to talk to Snyder.
Trachtenburgh also said he was looking into getting Andre the Giant to coach a new wrestling team. When the president was informed that Andre was dead, Trachtenburgh replied, “Well, doesn’t that suck.”