Student Manipulation President Komingupand `Q’ Gulpendown forced a work study student to shave his neck, according to secretly-recorded audio tapes obtained by The GWobe.
In the tapes, work study Moaning Loudly describes the strange relationship she had with Gulpendown.
“He led me into his office and said he needed my help with something. We walked in and he took a razor out of his pocket and smiled. He said, `You know you want to!’ ” Loudly said in the tapes.
The tapes go on to give specific detail of her “first time.”
“He unbuttoned his shirt. He grabbed my hand and put it on his neck. It felt weird,” she said. “We began going up and down with the shaving cream. We started slow and got faster. Soon cream was everywhere.”
Loudly says on the tape she was proud to do her part for her University, and that she would never tell of their relationship.
“If anyone asks, I’ll just lie,” she said. “Who would believe it anyway?”
Gulpendown denied the charges.
“I use Nair,” he said.
Loudly says on the tapes that she is obsessed with Gulpendown, and has kept a dress stained with his shaving cream.
The account was taped by Rat-trick McAnus, a former presidential candidate. McAnus befriended Loudly but began taping the conversations when she started describing the neck-shaving activity.
Loudly has been hiding from the media inside the Safeway at the Watergate. She was recently promoted to vice president for presidential maintenance.
Her lawyer, Billy Gimmemoney, is hiding inside Rice Hall, pretending to be president of GW.
McAnus gave the tapes to The GWobe during the S&M presidential runoffs, in an attempt to win votes and not lose pathetically. The plan backfired.
“Who knew so many people hated me and would vote for Carrying Pot,” he said.
McAnus said he sympathized with Gulpendown.
“I too have a hair problem,” he said. “I have been having Gulpendown’s neck hair surgically implanted in places where I lack hair.”
In an exclusive interview with McAnus’ girlfriend, Ed Bradley asked her where the hair has been placed.
“Down there,” she said hesitantly.
McAnus was unavailable for further comment because he was being attacked by a group of baseball players.
With the latest developments, University Vice President for Watching Sports Robert Checkinass asked for Gulpendown’s resignation.
“His actions were inappropriate,” he said. “Besides, he has never kissed my ass enough to be a good president.”
S&M EVP Lonely N. Saggy also asked for Gulpendown’s resignation.
“His actions were inappropriate,” he said. “Besides, he has never kissed Checkinass’ ass enough to be a good president.”
Both Checkinass and Saggy said the respect students have for the S&M could be jeopardized by the allegations. However, both were unable to name a student who actually has respect for the S&M. In fact, the interviews with Checkinass and Saggy were exactly the same, except for a moment when Saggy lost his earpiece.
“Oops!” he said.
S&M EVP-elect Takin’ Surveys said the administration has been trying to place an earpiece in him since his victory, but he has escaped.
“I gave out 5,000 surveys about earpieces and got five back,” he said. “The overwhelming majority wanted no earpieces on student leaders. So I wrote a memo.”
Checkinass said Carrying Pot has been wearing the earpiece for a while, and has been using it to manipulate students through Colonial Inauguration.
“You didn’t think students would say nice things about GW on their own, do you?” he said.