Lies! Lies! Lies! MVC just a sham

GW President Students Don’t Mattermuch admitted yesterday that Mount Vernon College does not exist.

“I just felt the need to be in The Washington Post,” Mattermuch said.

According to Mike Beardman, director of defending the president and bringing random events to campus, the University successfully manipulated the Post into thinking the women’s campus existed.

“We didn’t think you guys would believe us,” Beardman said. “But you did.”

In an effort to keep up the joke, a replica of a school was built and the University started bussing in students daily from the Roseanne Arnold School of Theater and Music to pretend to be MVC students. Also, all calls made to MVC students were actually routed to a room in Rice Hall.

“It was fun,” Mattermuch said.

Beardman said the expenses for the joke neared $100 million and the University will be forced to close the Columbian School, J Street and Funger Hall. He also said Commencement will be moved to the School Without Walls Auditorium.

“It was worth it,” Mattermuch said. He also said he is leaving the University to be Secretary of Kissingass next week, so he won’t have to deal with the repercussions.

Beardman said he will be sending campus media at least 20 of the same press release to ensure people hear about it.

Stooge Association President Kuteasa Gorilla said he was considering discussing the changes to the president, but decided against it.

“They wouldn’t have listened to me anyway,” Gorilla said. “They don’t care about students.”

Mattermuch confirmed students’ input was not a deciding factor.

Grassroots moron Adam Greenwithenvy said he was considering having a sit-in at Funger Hall to protest the changes.

“Students deserve classrooms,” Greenwithenvy said.

Mattermuch said he was arranging a catered buffet dinner for the protesters.

The president also announced that the free tuition he had given students at Poor Junior High School was just a joke too.

“I’ll be long gone before they get here,” Mattermuch said. “I just wanted my name in the Post again.”

Kids were seen crying throughout the school.

“Mattermuch is a bad man. This University has hurt me already. I should have listened to that freak Justeen when he said not to go to GW,” seventh-grader Nosmo King said.

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