East Coast/West Coast rivalries tear-up team, music groups

An East Coast/West Coast rivalry has plagued the GW men’s basketball team all year and now threatens to tear apart its newly-formed rap groups.

The Colonials have started three different music groups since basketball season ended.

“At first we were all gonna just be in the same group and put all our differences aside for the sake of rap,” said junior point guard Nutty Bone and member of You Rang, Man?. “But those motha-fuckas from the West Coast suck. We kicked them out and then we sent those fuckers from Belarus packin’ cause they don’t know shit about hip-hop.”

“Fuck that fake ass bitch, he thinks cause he’s from Balt’more that he’s keepin it real – but I’m from Cali and I’m the one who’s truly representin’,” said senior point guard Hazzard, or the HZA, the newest member of the Death Row family.

“But I do agree with Nutty Bone when it comes to those damn Bela(Pizza)Russians,” said the HZA.

The white boys have formed their own group that they say is a cross between American R&B like Boyz 2 Men and crappy EuroTrash.

“We were going to be called Koul and the Gang,” said junior Yo Girls Myshirtisoff. “But then someone told us that name was already taken.”

They named their group Az If.

West Coast rapper X-tra Disturbed, a freshman forward, joined the HZA in his group, Commuted to Life, a slightly less violent creation from the gangstas of Death Row.

“I’m from the West Coast of Europe, so I guess that counts,” said X-tra Disturbed. “We let Narc Blunt join, too, since he’s technically from the West Coast – even though he’s a white boy from Alaska.”

Former Colonial and recent NBA player Notorious D.U.D. has also joined You Rang?

“He called one day while I was watching Springer,” said freshman forward Big Daddy King. “He was crying and I just wanted him to shut the fuck up cause I was watching this pregnant ho get beat with a chair by her boyfriend’s other ho. D.U.D. was saying something about not having a job anymore so I said he could join. I hope he raps better than he plays ball.”

You Rang? already has their first gig booked for next week in Chicago.

“When the Jenny Jones Show called, that was the best day of my life,” said senior Dareman of North Carolina. “We’re going to be the musical entertainment during a show called `You Stupid Bitch, You’re Fucking Your Cousin! So Now It’s Time for a Make-over!’ “

You Rang? has been rehearsing all week for the show. They’ll perform a song called “In da Dawg House” in which Dareman and Montreal native LLCoolJJ are the main rappers.

“We been there so we knows all bout it, yo,” said LLCoolJJ.

The group is not sure if Pack the Bong will perform in Chicago.

“He’s like our very own Ol’ Dirty Bastard,” said Dr. Trey. “Sometimes he shows and sometimes he doesn’t, but wherever he is, you know he’s always fucked-up on somethin. In the words of Puba, he’s looser than a crackhead’s hairweave.”

Commuted to Life has also released their first single called “I Wonder If Heaven Got a Guthridge Hall?”

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