ARIES (March 22-April 21)You decided spring break was the time to go wild. You went out, partied, got drunk and hooked-up – big time. Now you think that girl/guy is out of your life forever. Think again.
GEMINI (May 22-June 21)It’s time you pulled your head out of your ass to realize what is happening. If you are so stupid that you can’t see no one likes you, you are actually as dumb as everyone says. Start sucking up to people soon.
CANCER (June 22-July 21)When that girl/guy asks you out next week, don’t get excited. It’s just an early April Fool’s Day joke. Did you really think that someone as normal as that would be interested in a loser like you?
LEO (July 22-Aug. 21)You probably think your such a stud/studette. Actually, it’s what other people call a player. Maybe if you did more than have random hook-ups, like dating someone or being romantic, you could change your reputation. But at this point, it’s not worth trying.
VIRGO (Aug. 22-Sept. 21)It was nice of Mommy and Daddy to send you to Florida for spring break. They only did it because they didn’t want you lounging around their house bitching all day long. In order to shut you up they’d need to give you the credit card, and they’re so far in debt already because of you, it was cheaper just to put you on plane.
LIBRA (Sept. 22-Oct. 21)A tan isn’t the only thing you brought back from Cancun. Remember that night, on the beach, that guy/girl from the bar? You should probably go to student health. This time take the medicine.
SCORPIO (Oct. 22-Nov. 21)It’s time you realize that eggs, butter, cheese and cookies are not the four basic food groups. Summer is coming faster than you know. If you plan on being a lifeguard, you need to be able to float. At this point if you can, it’ll be a scientific phenomenon.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)Everyone knows that you didn’t go anywhere during spring break. Stop lying and telling everyone how beautiful the Caribbean was. Just because your tanning bed was called Jamaica Room, does not mean you actually went there.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 21)Maybe it’s time you stop being so concerned with everyone else’s business. It’s really annoying when you act so damn superior to everyone. You need to mind your own business and figure out what’s wrong in your own life.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 22-Feb. 21)Just realize that you are in a no-win situation. No matter what you do you will lose. Enjoy everything while it lasts, but eventually you will screw yourself over. You might as well make it last for as long it can because when it’s all over, it’s going to suck.
PISCES (Feb. 22-March 21)Face it, sometimes you are a pain and people are forced to tell you how annoying you are. Deal with it. People aren’t always going to be nice to you and kiss your ass. When they’re not, you whine about it – shut up.
This article appeared in the March 26, 1998 issue of the Hatchet.