Elusive creature known as `Oscar’ revealed

I’m a little worried about tonight. And quite frankly, everybody else also should be.

Well yeah, that worry itches about whether or not “Ally McBeal” will be a new episode. I have that worry every week. But this Monday will bring about the biggest, scariest, Jonestown-esque mass suicide that this world will ever know. Think I’m being silly? Think I’m loony? Well consider this:

Last year, every person in a small area in California was talking about the arrival of a mystical, elusive being. The people thought they would be brought massive amounts of happiness – and leave their bodies to meld with this being and meld with history. And when the being arrived, they all dressed in their best black Nikes to greet it.

mbbThe people? The Heaven’s Gate cult. The being? The Hale-Bopp comet.

Monday night, every person in a town in California is talking about the arrival of a mystical, elusive being. Apparently this being will bring massive amounts of happiness, and the people who will meld with this being will also meld with history. And they’re all going to dress up in their Monday best to greet him.

The being? Oscar.

Scary, huh? It’s all over TV lately. “Entertainment Tonight,” “Access Hollywood” (oh, how Pat O’Brien has fallen), “The View,” “Extra,” Oprah and Rosie O’Donnell are all talking about the “countdown to Oscar.” Siskel and Ebert did a whole show Saturday about what they would do if they brought Oscar to the world.

(Note to professors of mine: I haven’t actually seen any of this stuff on TV. I’ve been studying all week. No, really, I’ve been studying.)

So the question is, who is Oscar? Why is he bringing more people like him? Not only are people talking about “Oscar,” but also about “The Oscars.” Is this like “War of the Worlds,” a big TV joke on all of us? I suggest we all watch and see for ourselves.

Tryg, you moron, the “Oscars” are just a TV nickname for theAcademy Awards.

Really?

Yes, really. Instead of scaring freshmen and criminal justice professors with tales of doom, why don’t you tell us who you think will win tonight?

Oh, uh, okay, I guess I can do that. Hmm, let me see…

Best Picture: Easily, the best picture is The Full Monty. “Why?” you ask. The great thing about this movie is that it doesn’t try to mask what it really is: full frontal nudity. Sure, it’s male nudity, and I’m not into that, but soon full frontal nudity will be rampant in every movie, and we can all rejoice in the full frontal nudity. I say again: full frontal nudity.

Best Director: I don’t really know who was nominated to get the award. I’m pulling for Clint Eastwood, though. I know he’s not nominated, but hey, he’s Clint. He should be every year, regardless of how strange Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil was.

Best Actor: Again, I’d have to go with Clint just on principle. Actually, because Leo DiCaprio wasn’t nominated, I’m boycotting this category, Brando-style. Or I might crash the Oscars and dance on stage with “Soy Bomb” scrawled across my chest when the nominations for this category are announced. I’m not sure yet. Of course, Jack Nicholson was pretty damn good in As Good As It Gets.

Best Actress: Clint. Clint. Clint. Oh, sorry, I guess I can’t choose Clint here. Well, there’s a lot of good candidates here and I’m sure that one of them will win. Leo got jilted for this category too. Bastards.

Best Supporting Actor: Gotta go with Burt Reynolds here. I saw Boogie Nights, even saw it with my girlfriend. We both thought it was like a real porn movie: really exciting for the first half hour, and increasingly boring after that. But it’s nice to see Burt outta the bottle again.

Best Supporting Actress: All kidding aside, the old lady in “Titanic” was pretty darn good. I hope she wins. Plus, since last year’s best supporting actor (Cuba Gooding) presents the award, it should be interesting to see the two of them together: really young and hyper and old and dignified.

Of course, you’ll have to sit through the three hours of “Best Short, Animated Foreign Film Under Five Minutes” categories. Make sure you watch “Ally McBeal” at that time. As for Oscar, well, just to be safe, I’m wearing my black Nikes.

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