Answering stacks of mail lets me play `Dear Abby’ for a day

I’ve got a problem.

The staff of The GW Hatchet gets positively overwhelmed with the massive volume of mail sent to me on a weekly basis. Unfortunately, my administrative staff has been downsized, so this week, instead of a column, I must answer my mail.

Anonymous writes: Dear Tryg, I wrote a play entitled “Stay” that was reviewed by a campus publication, and my friend Andrew Kozma wrote FOUR plays that weren’t reviewed, and very few people came to them. What should we do?

Dear Anonymous: If you write enough plays, people will take notice. I went to your play, and I can’t understand why more people didn’t come. Keep up the good work!

Steffen Toel Jrachtenberg (we’ve got to protect his true identity) writes: Dear Tryg, I’ve got some great ideas for GW in the future. I’m going to build another hospital and give FSK to house first-year law students. What do you think?

Dear Mr. Jrachtenberg: Does this mean that the organization currently at 23rd Street will be known in the future as “The Hospital Formerly Known As GW?” Actually, with the ever-increasing tuition, lack of technology and the massive increases in interest in the arts, I think the University’s first priority should be a new hospital.

As for giving FSK to law students, with the ever-increasing freshman classes, reducing the amount of campus housing is a great idea. If we’re lucky, we can force all non-GW people out of Colombia Plaza, and it can take the moniker “New Hall.”

“R” (not his real letter) writes: Dear Tryg, new student elections are almost over, and pretty soon I’ll be out of a job. What do you think I should do with my time now?

Dear “R,” New hobbies are always nice. For instance, a good release of energy would be to organize a campaign poster pickup, since the candidates for your job will be trashing the campus with more palmcards again this week – and certain folks will rip down posters and leave them on the ground. My friend Ben came to town and remarked that campus is a trash heap with all the posters on the ground. Or you could try bocce ball.

B. Clinton writes in: Dear Tryg, I just can’t catch a break lately. First the press finds out about my girlfriend, then my friend S. won’t help me out of that jam! What’s a bubba to do?

Dear B. Clinton, More of the same always works in a situation like this. Deny everything until they ask for the tapes. If they ask for the tapes, send a crew over to the Watergate and steal something. If that doesn’t work, well, you could always call Dustin Hoffman.

The next letter is a from a group of people. Chumbawhumba writes: Dear Tryg, I get knocked down, but I get up again. No, you’re never going to get me down. I take a whiskey drink, I take a vodka drink, I take a lager drink, I take a cider drink. I sing songs about the good times, I sing songs about the better times.

Chumbawhumba: Well stop singing. Please. You’re driving me to sobriety.

J. Ben-Mac writes: Dear Tryg, I saw you across the Quad talking to someone last week. How dare you have an opinion about something and talk to someone about it!

Dear J. Ben-Mac: Not to worry. A professor in Lisner Hall saw that too, and alerted the proper authorities. From now on, I’ll be consulting with you on everything: opinions, feelings, thoughts; My mind es su mind, compadre. No more independent thought for me, that’s for sure!

C.P. writes: Dear Tryg: the presidential election will be heading into a runoff this next week. Who will you endorse, and do you have any advice for the candidates?

Dear C.P.: I’m seriously disgruntled over elections. I ran for president and then Jason Ditzian took my platform of “nothing” so I won’t be endorsing anyone.

As for advice, know this: The Marvin Center will fall to the ground before you get me to vote in a student election.

mbbMy mother will be on campus this week, and if you don’t find this column funny, she’ll beat you up.

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