PISCES (Feb. 22-March 21)Never before have you been in such deep doo doo. Calm down. There’s no way you’re going to stop this freight train from hitting you. No sense in worrying now.

ARIES (March 22-April 21)This weekend is your last in town before break. Well think again because your check bounced, and none of your tickets or hotel reservations went through. Ha! Ha!

TAURUS (April 22-May 21)The thrills of a new relationship! But your new love has a few more loves than you would like. Ah, the things you learn about a person during the first few weeks.

GEMINI (May 22-June 21)This weather really has you down. Well, good news. Your impending trip home will offer a lot more to be down about than just the crappy weather. Mom and Dad have a surprise.

CANCER (June 22-July 21)Perhaps you’ve heard rumors about something called “applying for graduation.” Well, buddy, you’re a bit too late for that. Maybe next year, right?

LEO (July 22-Aug. 21)Guess what! Every time you suspected your roommate of taking money out of your stash, you were right. Don’t be surprised when you come home from break and your stereo is gone.

VIRGO (Aug. 22-Sept. 21)That attitude of yours is really getting annoying. Your boss hates you, by the way. And with your work-study money running out, you may soon be out of a job.

LIBRA (Sept. 22-Oct. 21)You know that expensive piece of equipment you busted in the lab last week? Well, it has your fingerprints all over it.

SCORPIO (Oct. 22-Nov. 21)Your friends never call you back because they don’t want to be around you anymore. That rash has been peeking out of your collar for two weeks now. One week was almost okay. Now, it’s just plain disgusting.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)Have you ever thought about how the professor sees all the papers from class, so he recognizes when two are exactly the same? Well, you may want to start.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 21)The water company does catch up with everyone eventually, you know. Puddles aren’t the cleanest place to bathe.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 22-Feb. 21)Beware of girls in black pants and black puffy jackets this week. One of them has it in for you. Good luck figuring out which!

The Hatchet has disabled comments on our website. Learn more.