PISCES (Feb. 22-March 21)You can return the gas mask you bought, scaredy cat. Did you really believe it when your roommate told you Saddam was going to bomb your house?
ARIES (March 22-April 21)That girl/guy you met at LuLu’s last weekend is a waste of your time. Stop waiting by the phone. Then again, losers like you don’t have much to do these days.
GEMINI (May 22-June 21)You told that girl/guy you met that you majored in botany because s/he is an environmental studies major. Big mistake. Unlike your parents, environmental studies majors can identify the kind of plants you grow in your room.
CANCER (June 22-July 21)Your roommate was an asshole about the living situation for next year. You had to know he really didn’t like you. But you need to defend your honor, no matter how little there is. Get him while he’s sleeping.
LEO (July 22-Aug. 21)You really need to wake up and realize that you’re a big girl/guy now. Just because you don’t get what you want doesn’t mean you can bitch and cry to the administration and have them hand it to you on a silver platter. You’re not in Kansas anymore.
VIRGO (Aug. 22-Sept. 21)You should start talking to the homeless guy who stands on 23rd Street. He may be the only person you can live with next year. Look at it this way, it’s cheaper than living on campus, but what isn’t?
LIBRA (Sept. 22-Oct. 21)You think last week’s rain is why you feel so depressed lately. Nice try. Face it, it’s your sorry-ass life that’s upsetting you.
SCORPIO (Oct. 22-Nov. 21)You actually went out last weekend and tried something new. You went to a party and scoped out girls/guys. Maybe next week you’ll really branch out and talk to one of them.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)A little cough doesn’t mean your sick, and it sure as hell isn’t an excuse to skip classes. Buy some Robitussen and deal with it, cry baby.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 21)You really need to watch how you’re acting. You’re pissing off everyone, but you’re so self-absorbed that you don’t even realize it. Stop idolizing yourself and maybe you’ll be bearable.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 22-Feb. 21)You think this rain is bad. Stop complaining, you haven’t seen anything. Wait until your spring break in Florida – then you’ll know what El Ni?o really is.
This article appeared in the February 26, 1998 issue of the Hatchet.