Instead of buying Mount Vernon College, why couldn’t Trachtenberg and our intrepid Board of Trustees (read: a bunch of really important people to our school, but no one really knows why) have bought a cooler school in a cooler place? Like the University of Miami, or UC-San Diego. We’d all be signing up to live in the dorms there. I’d be willing to commute.

Let’s consider good old GW for a moment. Yes, I know you don’t like to, but stay with me. This is a pretty diverse campus – I’m not talking about the people (Rob already covered that area, besides, I’m allergic to black puffy vests). I’m talking about the climates. No, really.

For example, take any residence hall – the average temperature in these buildings is oh, about 500 degrees Fahrenheit. The only way to have some sort of normal temperature in which your flesh doesn’t melt off your body (attractive thought, isn’t it) is to open all your windows, turn on the air conditioning all the way and sit around with ice packs on your body.

However, in the older dorms like Madison, the radiators are perfect for making s’mores on. This is a true story. I recommend using a pan and not putting them directly onto the radiator. That would be gross.

Then, there’s Norma Lee and Morton Funger Hall. Not only does this building have the coolest name, it has no air circulation whatsoever. A friend of mine described it saying, “It’s Funger Hall – they like you to think that you’re in hell.” And hell it is, but without the actual fire and brimstone.

However, if you are in a classroom in which the window has mysteriously opened somehow, then you must bring all the cold weather gear you own to class. Once a window has been opened, the only way to close it again is to put several hundred pounds of something heavy against it (say, a desk, a freshman or your average chemistry text book).

Speaking of chemistry, Corcoran Hall is where all those crazy science people spend their time. That building is about zero degrees Kelvin. It’s been a while since I had a class there (astronomy – a real thriller), but the place is like Antarctica. I heard it was super temperature controlled so that mad scientists won’t blow themselves up as easily. That would be kind of cool though, maybe we’d get another holiday from school.

Computer labs are also interesting little ecosystems. I like to compare the computer labs to the planet Venus. First of all, they are crazy hot. Damn hot. Real hot. I’ve sweated off several pounds in those rooms when I’m writing a paper.

Secondly, since it’s so hot, and I’m sweating, the next person is sweating and the person next to them is sweating. During midterms or finals, when everyone’s writing papers, we’re talking about a seriously toxic atmosphere. Don’t pretend not to know what I’m talking about – it’s true. Computer labs are among the unhappiest places on earth.

Many more places like this exist on campus. I’d list more, but, hey, I’m lazy and don’t really care enough to wander the campus. I much prefer to sit around my room under the air conditioning.

I am convinced that El Nino can successfully be blamed as the cause to all problems in life, and not just the weather. Didn’t do the reading for class? El Nino. Boyfriend/girlfriend broke up with you? El Nino. Valentine’s Day? El Nino. Saddam Hussein being a jerk? El Nino.

I know I’m onto something. I also think that, although El Nino is fun to say, it should have a cooler name. I mean El Nino – that’s “boy” in English. Boring. How about El Gringo (stupid American), or El Pollo (chicken)? My personal favorite – La Cucaracha (Monica Lewinsky).

Yea – I made it through a whole column without taking cheap shots at the Olympics. It’s just so darn easy.