AQUARIUS (Jan. 22-Feb. 21)You are flat broke. Lucky for you, your stupid-ass friends will support you all weekend so you can have a good time. Just try not to get sick on them during your celebration.PISCES (Feb. 22-March 21)You thought you were so tough walking in the rain without an umbrella, and now you’re sick. You deserve it dumbass. Your roommate isn’t going to cook you chicken soup and play mommy, so suck it up.ARIES (March 22-April 21)You better check your spring break plans. That great deal you thought you got is really a scam, and you just lost all your money. Nice job, idiot.TAURUS (April 22-May 21)The insensitive fool you are, you forgot Valentine’s. Forget the little pride you have left and crawl back on your hands and knees. If s/he doesn’t take you, get used to the idea of bachelor/ette-hood.GEMINI (May 22-June 21)Thinking about the bar scene for the weekend? Think again. You really messed up your last test, and if you ever want to get out of this fine institution, you need to pass more than freshman advising.CANCER (June 22-July 21)You really thought that a secret admirer sent you those flowers. It was your parents. Who would spend money on your sorry ass besides those who have some obligation?LEO (July 22-Aug. 21)You really need to reevaluate your life – or in your case lack of. Your friends know that when you say your hanging out with your bitch on Fridays, you’re really sitting around with your dog.VIRGO (Aug. 22-Sept. 21)Your roommates hate you right now. Did you forget that they lived there too when you brought home that trashy guy/girl? They couldn’t sleep because you were so loud. Start kissing ass – this time in a figurative way.LIBRA (Sept. 22-Oct. 21)It’s time to get over your last boy/girlfriend. The restraining order you received wasn’t a joke. If you don’t stop acting psychotic, you’ll end up in a home with Monica Lewinsky and Linda Tripp.SCORPIO (Oct. 22-Nov. 21)You need to realize that having cybersex doesn’t make you not a virgin. Stop bragging to your friends about your sex life. They know it doesn’t exist without a keyboard.SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)How long did you think it would take until your parents found out that you were kicked out of the dorm? Start going to the AA and NA meetings now, and they might admit that you’re their child by May.CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 21)Last weekend you met the guy/girl of your dreams. Now you’re sitting around waiting for “this figment” to call. You’re wasting your time.
This article appeared in the February 19, 1998 issue of the Hatchet.