To entertain my family of readers this week, I was going to publicly torch a professor I felt had wronged me. Unfortunately, my mother told me to talk to him first. So I gathered up my Gatt, my nine, my Dick Tracy recording equipment and my Roy Rogers butterfly knife and went to his office hours to pull a verbal 1-87 on his 90210 head.
Upon entering THE MAN’s office, I learned I had my facts confused and I was humbled like the innocent little school boy I am. Our meeting ended with me crawling out of his presence in my underpants.
Although I no longer think it would be proper to use this column to skewer that professor like a beeftip, I would still like to hearten my fellow gentlepeople whose genius continues to go unrecognized by GW pedants.
Are you like me: of superior intellect, creativity and effort – yet still only rewarded with Cs on major projects? Let me tell you something brothers and sisters, Albert Einstein was laughed at by the “world’s intellectual scientific community” until many years later when he proved them all wrong with the orbit of Uranus or something like that. And that was in the hard sciences where things can in fact be “proved.”
Will we ever prove to people in the social sciences, like Professor Sodaro, that maybe our creative approach showed more insight than 200 “A” papers in his cookie-recipe Weimar paper assignment? No.
We will never show those in the Ivory Tower, or Ivory Toilet, because instead of doing all the research to find our Uranus, documenting all the sources, smooching all the right posteriors, we will go out into the real world where reality will keep us focused on things that matter – like eating food and sleeping.
I sometimes think that if some of these professors on our campus were in the desert with Moses, they would greet his Ten Commandments with, “This isn’t MLA format. Define `kill.’ Number three is lacking documentation. The directions did not tell you to enlighten me, only to use the information I gave you! Go back up there and get more sources, Moses! You are selling yourself short on this project!”
So being heavy hearted and depressed about the highfalutin state of academia, as I am sure we all are, I turned to the only people I thought could raise the spirits of my loyal readers and me – the GW men’s basketball team.
Here are some snippets from two inspiring interviews. The first is with Shawnta Rogers and His Excellency Mike King. (It should be noted that during this interview, Rogers was naked except for a pair of exquisitely patterned boxers and King could not decide what was more important – my questions or “Jerry Springer.”)
Rob: “Fellows, what is the meaning of life?”
Shawnta: “Livin’ day by day. One day at a time, baby.”
Rob: “Were either of you ever in a street gang?”
Shawnta and Mike: “No.”
Rob: “Does Jarvis pay you and Mike King under the table?”
Shawnta and Mike: “No.”
Rob: “Should he?”
Shawnta: “No.”
Mike: “No, I’ll get mine in a few years.”
Rob: “Who do you think killed Biggie Smalls?”
Shawnta: “A gang. Maybe the mafia.”
Rob: “Do you find our female cheerleaders attractive?”
Shawnta: “They all right.”
Mike: “They fair.”
Rob: “During timeouts, are you ever distracted when our cheerleader women do those revealing aerial splits in their sheer loincloths?”
Shawnta and Mike: “No.”
Rob: “Who is the most popular with women on the team?”
Shawnta: “Patrick Ngomba. J.J. The seniors, Darin and Rasheed, do well.”
Rob: “What about you two?”
Shawnta: “No. They don’t like us.”
Rob: “Why not?”
Mike: “I don’t know. They gotta stop being shy and come on.”
Rob: “Where do you two go to party and throw down?”
Mike: “We don’t go out. Some girls gotta take us out.”
Shawnta: “We need some girls to show us around.”
Rob: “What was the meanest thing anybody ever said to you on the basketball court?”
Shawnta: “The crowds crack on my size. At Missouri, they called me Smurf and went La Laa La La La Laaaa. One time they kept yelling, `Stand up Rogers.’ We was trippin’ on the bench.”
Despite the great insight provided by this interview, I felt we needed more direction, more rasa for our tabula. So I went to the mound in the middle, Sasha Koul.
Rob: “Alex, what is the meaning of life?”
Sasha: “There are lots of meanings to life Rob, so many sides. I haven’t really figured it out myself. Hopefully I’ll figure it out by the end of it.” (Geez I’m interviewing Tolstoy!)
Rob: “What is the most popular drug in Belarus?”
Sasha: “Alcohol, basically vodka. Crack isn’t as widespread over there. They are starting to smoke more grass in recent years … from what I have heard.”
Rob: “Have you ever killed a man?”
Sasha: “No.”
Rob: “Because of your immense size and strength, do you have to be careful not to hurt your partner in romantic situations?”
Sasha: “No. I would consider myself gentle.”
Rob: “If you had to describe Mike Jarvis as an animal, which one would he be and why?”
Sasha: “A lion. He is powerful and knows what he is doing, but he doesn’t have as much hair.”
Rob: “Who is the most popular with women on the team?”
Sasha: “We are all good-looking guys. It’s all pretty equal. Maybe Andrei.” (Women don’t get any ideas. Andrei Krivonos is with she-baller Noelia Gomez and she is an A-10 First Team selection for Best Legs.)
Sasha also comforted me by saying any of my readers or I could be his agent. All we have to do is take our r?sum?s to Dr. Susie Jones at the Department of Athletics.
At this time, I would like to set some personal facts straight for the players. Sasha is no longer married, although a female named Sam seems like she could be a possible replacement in the starting lineup. Rogers has a son named Terrell who already is breaking ankles in peewee basketball.
If any women are interested in Rogers or King, I will happily set you up.
Lastly, I am taking singing lessons. I would also like to thank Lisa of AEPhoo for telling me at Mr. Days that my last article was the worst thing she ever read in her life. I hope we can build on this interchange and have a meaningful relationship full of heart-pounding excitement. Thank you.
