AQUARIUS (Jan. 22-Feb. 21)Dreaming of that tall, dark, handsome man sweeping you off your feet? Keep dreaming – he ain’t coming.
PISCES (Feb. 22-March 21)Think you’ve found true love? Try again. Your boy/girlfriend is kissing that slut on the fifth floor. Dumbass. And you believed s/he was spending her/his nights in the 24-hour study lounge when it’s only the fourth week of school!
ARIES (March 22-April 21)Don’t even bother going out for Valentine’s Day – you’re just going to cry when you see the rose man because no one’s going to buy you any flowers. No one loves you.
TAURUS (April 22-May 21)So you can’t seem to get a girlfriend. Why don’t you try to temporarily fill that dark, endless void with a Valentine’s night of random, nameless sex. Hang out at M Street bars such as Lulu’s and the Cellar to find slutty prospects – then you won’t be too far from the strip-joints in case that plan fails.
GEMINI (May 22-June 21)Like, Aries, no one likes you either. The only chocolate you’ll be getting this Saturday is the big, cheap, heart-shaped, red, fake-satin covered, CVS-bought, crappy box of candy you got for yourself.
CANCER (June 22-July 21)You’re in luck this Valentine’s Day! You’re boyfriend got flowers for you from Tony’s over on 20th. So not only will you get ugly, wilting roses, but you’ll be spending the night watching a porno. If you’re really lucky you’ll get to watch What’s Up Tiger Pussy? or Geranalmo starring Poke-a-hotass.
LEO (July 22-Aug. 21)You’ll spend a quiet evening alone with your girlfriend/boyfriend this Valentine’s. Of course you will. That’s all you guys ever do. You always stay home and have absolutely no life independently of each other, so why would this night be any different?
VIRGO (Aug. 22-Sept. 21) Stop sleeping with your frat brother’s girlfriend. Just because she’s easy doesn’t mean she’s worth a new pair of shoes going to waste just hanging in that stupid shoe tree.
LIBRA (Sept. 22-Oct. 21)You’d better be good to your girlfriend. How about a gift that’s a bit more romantic than that theft-deterrent system you got her for Christmas? Even the trashy box of candy (see Gemini) would be better.
SCORPIO (Oct. 22-Nov. 21)The woman you’ve been seeing is also seeing other guys behind your back. Don’t buy her line, “It’s just my baby’s dad” about the guy who’s over all the time.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)Get some balls and ask out that girl you think is interested in you. Not only will you have a lot of fun with this chick, but you might get some too – God knows it’s been awhile.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 21)You’ll meet the love of your life this Valentine’s Day. Your eyes will connect and fireworks will fly when you realize you’ve both ordered olive loaf sandwiches at the 1812 Deli at J St.