Take a knee Men, it’s going to be a long week. Before it begins, I believe we all need to pray together. We need a moment of silence for all our fallen comrades. Remember this moment, because by the end of this week, some of you might not be here.
We all have our battles to fight Saturday. In case your girlfriend or significant other hasn’t dropped a significant hint by now, remember this: Saturday is Valentine’s day.
What does that mean, exactly? Well, you must wear red. And buy stuff for your significant other. I recommend flowers, personally.
Some women are reading this and saying, “My boyfriend doesn’t need to get me anything.” We know that’s a big test, that you really don’t mean it. We’re on to you.
Valentine’s day gift-giving is divided into a few stages everybody should know, so you don’t get hosed or hose someone on Valentine’s day.
If you met your significant other at a frat party the weekend before, took her home and hooked up with her, the proper gift would be: Your last name and your real phone number. This is stage one.
If you met your significant other at a frat party, took her home, and tried to hook up with her, the proper gift is: Your respect and a nice dinner. Wearing a tie is not necessary in this, stage 2.
If you have been dating your significant other for more than a month, it gets much more complicated. Stages three through six must be completed very delicately, or you might get hosed.
Stage three comes when you’ve dated someone from four weeks to seven weeks. In this stage, the proper gift is a frank discussion about the future, and a bag of sweetheart candy.
Stage four is monogamous dating. As for gifts, think two words: milk chocolate. As much as possible, as quickly as possible.
Stage five is the comfortable period, after monogamy sets in. The best gift here is something terribly romantic, like the University of South Carolina baseball cap you wore to the frat party where you met your “other.”
Stage six is the fighting stage, when you and your significant other are at the make-or-break point. For a breakup, I recommend this: Knock knock. Who’s there? Not you anymore.
For reconciliation, I recommend a bottle of Absolut and a hotel room. As for direction after that point, you’re on your own.
Remember, men, this is a grossly over-commercialized holiday in existence only to test your merit as a potential husband/boyfriend. Buy Hallmark, chocolate and roses, and you’ll make it through to the other side.
On another note, someone brought it to my attention that I didn’t mention why you shouldn’t vote for Patrick Macmanus in my campaign opener. Well, I like Patrick. He tells a good story.
Patrick Macmanus is a candidate everybody on campus can call their own. If you listen really closely to what he’s saying, you can tell.
Patrick Macmanus: He’s been a handicapped golfer with a bad leg embroiled in a tremendous legal battle to use a cart on the PGA Tour.
Patrick Macmanus: He’s broken up homosexual sex in the Marvin Center bathroom.He’s been a right-wing, pro-choice, born-again, unionist, Southern Yankee elderly protectionist pacifist. He’s been a redneck, Northern, liberal, ethnic, pro-life, religious, fixed income, no-nukes gun nut. And he’s been a woman named Frieda. (Thanks Mr. Breathed.)
Get the picture? It doesn’t matter if what he’s saying is true, Macmanus can sell you anything. Which is a lot better than the other candidates are doing.I got a brochure from Jesse Haber talking about what he’s going to do when he’s elected oligarch. One of his ideas, to have students charge tuition on credit cards, was tried in the past, but it was found to raise tuition!
Is this someone you want in office? Someone who wants to raise tuition?Wouldn’t it be nice if there was a candidate who had realistic goals and didn’t exaggerate to the students in order to be elected? Unfortunately, that’s stage seven of Valentine’s Day: fantasy and role playing.