The Olympics and Girl Scout cookies

Shouldn’t we be hibernating right now? Or maybe we should have migrated someplace where we can sit on the beach and sip drinks with colorful little umbrellas in them. Oh, well.

At least we can be entertained by the Winter Olympics. Don’t you love all the profiles broadcasters do on the competitors? They always are filled with inane facts that make you want to cry or learn a new sport.

“Here’s Billy, who lost not only his entire family in a tornado, but he also was horribly mangled in a go-cart racing accident, leaving him with no arms or legs. He’s competing today in the luge event, overcoming all odds. He steers using his tongue and sense of smell because he’s blind, too. If he medals, he’s dedicating it to his dog, Binky. Look for him today out on the course. He’s looking like a big favorite.”

I can’t wait for Fox’s airing of the Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding reunion. I’m surprised Jerry Springer didn’t get to them first. The element of random violence adds so much to athletic competition. See how much less anticipation welled for the Olympics when no one was clubbed by a blunt object? My point exactly.

My favorite event is the biathlon, by far. It consists of skiing really far as fast as you can, then shooting stuff. If they really want to spice things up and bring in more spectators, they should be allowed to shoot each other.

“Sven Thorskoggieentngton is making a big move around the turn, it looks like he’s catching up, and OH NO! Down he goes, and that’s an extra 10 points for Ivan, the current leader. It looks like Sven’s not getting up anytime soon. They’re sending out the St. Bernard.”

Hey, I’d watch. My second favorite sport is the luge, just because it’s cool to say.

Curling is a close third. For those of you unfamiliar with the sport of curling, it consists of sliding big heavy objects across the ice into a target circle. That’s it. I’m serious. Those Canadians sure know how to party. Rock out!

If watching the Olympics doesn’t particularly excite you, I recommend watching Fox’s episodes of “Great Animal Rescues” or “Scary Police Chases.” These are actual shows. My roommate and I are setting the VCR. I figure I have enough television entertainment to get me through the next two weeks, which will help me to ignore the most evil of holidays – Valentine’s Day. Don’t get me started about Valentine’s Day.

A positive thing about this time of year is that Girl Scout cookies are now on sale. My professor didn’t really have to twist my arm to buy some when he pulled out his daughter’s order form. Economic restraints prevented me from ordering everything. I settled for a box of Thin Mints – the classic Girl Scout cookie – and Tagalongs, the ones with peanut butter in them. Mmm … cookies.

The Samoas seem to be pretty popular, the kind with the caramel, chocolate and coconut. I’m not a big fan, because I hate coconut, but what I’m wondering is, do Samoans like these cookies? What is it about chocolate, caramel and coconut that causes them to be named for some Pacific Islands? These are the things I think about.

I’m preparing for my chance to compete in the Olympics. I’m just waiting for something catastrophic to happen to me so I have an interesting profile for TV.

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