AQUARIUS (Jan.22-Feb.21)Last weekend you wasted away feeling sorry for yourself. You didn’t get any work done like you said you would. Stop complaining. It’s your own fault. Be productive this weekend – and that doesn’t mean getting drunk.
PISCES (Feb. 22-March 21)You need to get out there and find a significant other. Valentine’s Day is only a week away and you don’t want to watch Say Anything and cry your eyes out for the fifth year in a row.
ARIES (March 22-April 21)Last weekend, you were a mess. You acted like such an ass that the girl/guy you took home actually left before anything happened. And you picked him/her up at Odds. Try not puking on his/her shoes next time, loverboy.
TAURUS (April 22-May 21)Sleep is in your forecast. Face it, you really don’t have anything to do this weekend anyway. You could do work, but that may ruin your so-called image. Just sleep.
GEMINI (May 22-June 21)The computer geek who you’re sucking up to in calculus knows it. People are called computer geeks because they’re intelligent. Schmucks like you think you can fool them.
CANCER (June 22-July 21)Stop bragging about how drunk you were. No one gives a rat’s ass. Everyone knows it’s just your sorry attempt to look cool. It’s not working.
LEO (July 22-Aug. 21)You need to clean your act. Your hair looks greasy. Your skin is an oil well. Learn some basic grooming tips for your sake and everyone around you.
VIRGO (Aug. 22-Sept. 21)Haven’t been sleeping well lately? Maybe it’s the strangers you’re bringing home from bars at night. There’s a thing called relationships. Stop being sleazy and look into them.
LIBRA (Sept. 22-Oct. 21)That boy/girl in your psychology class who keeps giving you looks isn’t hitting on you. Nice try, though. S/he just has been eating from the Mexican place in J Street before class.
SCORPIO (Oct. 22-Nov. 21)Wondering why everyone seems to leave the room when you walk in? You’ve been so conceited lately that your big-ass head takes up all the oxygen. Get a reality check.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)It’s time you start thinking about your future. There’s no way you’re going to make any money with your major. Get out there and look for someone who comes from money to marry. It’s your only hope.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan.21)Stop calling Mommy and Daddy everytime something goes wrong. Suck it up. You’re in college now, even if you don’t go to classes. Act like an adult, crybaby.