The elections are coming! The elections are coming!

Be afraid. Be very afraid. Soon our fair campus will be inundated by palmcards, posters, masking tape and blowhards who think they’re important. Oh yeah, there’s the decision of which moron to elect to take on the administration this year.

This year’s candidates are no exception. Rumored to be running for president this year are: undergraduate Sens. Carrie Potter (at large) whose campaign slogan is sure to be “I know how to spell Gargano,” and salesman extraordinaire Patrick Macmanus.

The office of EVP, or, as Tony Sayegh has made it, the office to have for delusions of power, has only two rumored candidates: Jesse Strauss and Jason Haber. Yeah, I know, I can’t tell the difference between the two of them either.

Other than that, there’s the normal bunch running for their normal offices. I feel we should all take a long look at them and once we realize that they’re all the same person, vote our conscience: Vote for me.

Okay, so I’m not going to officially run for president or EVP, because I don’t understand any of the rules in the big JEC package. (Note to JEC: As a result of your convoluted rules, I have decided to fine Andrew Lewis 10 points.) But you should vote for me anyway.

Why, you ask? Why will a graduating senior run for a thankless, pointless job in a student government he despises? That’s an easy one: I’m the only honest candidate running. (Note to JEC: Because I’m honest, I’ll be fining Andrew Lewis 10 points.)

The jobs of EVP and SA president are basically nothing but perks. Think about it: There’s no real work involved when you’re president, if you pick the right cabinet (which is why “Q” has had to do so much – his cabinet all is going to run for office) and you get a big office and a phone.

The same goes when you’re EVP. All you really have to do is run the Senate. And they have parliamentarians for that. Plus you get a really cool gavel.

I figure the only reason someone would run for EVP is to get girls. You’d have to ask Tony about that, though. He could tell you better than I could.

So I will be running for both offices simultaneously. If you read the JEC rules closely, they say nothing about running for two offices simultaneously.

They do say, “No student may rub for more than one office simultaneously,” however, so I guess I won’t get any election groupies. (Note to JEC: Because I’ve used “simultaneously” four times in the last two paragraphs, Andrew Lewis will have to be fined 10 points.)

Now you’re wondering, “How can this guy run if he’s graduating?” Good question. You would think that would be covered in the JEC rules, but it’s not.

There’s nothing about prohibiting graduating seniors running. So if you don’t vote for me, vote for “Q.” Or Damian McKenna, for that matter, just don’t vote for Carrie Potter. Or Andrew Lewis, vote for him.

Note from JEC: Because of last year’s case Lewis v. JEC, any sort of campaigning on behalf of Mr. Lewis will be a 10-point fine. Sure, he’s not running, but you can get him on that kind of stuff anyway just like last year.

You would think there would be a clause in this year’s rules about Andrew Lewis’ case so that the JEC wouldn’t get sued again and look like morons again. You would think, but they didn’t.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with Mr. Lewis, basically he lost the election because last year’s JEC didn’t want him to win, so it made up violations.

So, in spirit, I will be handing out buttons to everybody at the next basketball game, even though I won’t declare myself a candidate. Fun, huh?

Now, in the upcoming weeks, we’re sure to hear Carrie Potter and Jesse Haber and Jason Strauss (I get those two so confused!) say how wrong I am, and how qualified they are to be your leader. My advice is this: Listen to what they have to say, and then vote for me.

I won’t pull any punches to you, the voting public. I won’t do anything at all if I’m elected EVPresident. I won’t because I won’t be here.

But remember, I’m the only candidate that will guarantee you exactly what you’ll get: Nothing! A vote for Trygve is a vote for nothing!

This has been a paid advertisement for the Trygve for King campaign and Stop Andrew Lewis ’98.