I’ll admit this right now – I’m stealing this column idea from Rob Hertzfeldt, intrepid Hatchet cartoonist (can’t use the word intrepid too much to describe stuff). Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Plus, I’m really lazy.
Anyway, I was inspired by Rob’s honesty and self-mockery when he told us about his dating life. Even though television has eroded our short-term memories, maybe some of you remember that column. Maybe it was a tad too much to know about Rob, but ya gotta love a guy willing to look silly in front of a lot of people.
So here it is – Audrey Molina’s dating history, uncut and uncensored.
1) So I was on this cruise liner. One of those top-of-the-line models, really luxurious. I can’t remember the name… something like “Colossal” or “Humongous.” I met this starving artist guy, really sexy. His name was Jack, and I let him paint me. (Hey, get your mind outta the gutter!) Wouldn’t you know it, the ship hits an iceberg! I end up floating on a door, he gets hypothermia and sinks to the bottom of the Atlantic. I hate it when that happens.
2) Pete – Gotta love those fighter pilots. We met in a bar when I was teaching at flight school. (Betcha didn’t know I could fly) He sang me a cheesy love song badly. I couldn’t resist. He had one of those cute little call signs – “Rebel” or something like that. He had a friend who looked like that guy on “ER.” Small world, eh? It just didn’t work out between us, though, all those secret missions and whatnot. Plus, all that “wingman” talk with his buddies was a little sketchy.
3) I guess I can’t resist those dangerous types, because the next guy I dated was a smuggler. We had one of those love-hate relationships, fighting viciously one minute, making up the next. He rescued me when I was held captive by Imperial forces, so I was really indebted to him. Before the relationship really went anywhere, though, he was frozen by a giant slug gangster and used as a wall decoration. You just can’t depend on a guy like that.
4) Well, you can imagine, I became really turned off by guys like that. So the next guy I dated was a comedian. Jerry. He had his own TV show. He was a riot, talked about double-dipping, the bubble boy, yadda yadda yadda. We had a lot of fun. But then he dumped me for some bitch named Shoshanna. I was crushed.
5) To make myself feel better, I went to France. I just had to get away. Let me tell you, finding a man was the last thing on my mind. But after a long day of seeing the sights, I stumbled into this cute little cafe. There he was, the waiter … JEAN LUC! He won me over with his charm, good looks and his damn fine dessert coffee. General Foods International Coffees really knows their French Vanilla. The whole long-distance thing just didn’t work, but I still reminisce about him with my girlfriends as we sip our powdered coffee.
Well, that’s it. My dating life in a nutshell. Names have been changed to protect the innocent. I watch a lot of television, if you couldn’t already tell. By the way, this is all true. Would I, an aspiring journalist, lie to you? Look at my picture. Besides looking like a dork, that is a complete look of honesty on my face.
Everyone’s favorite sporting event, the Super Bowl is this weekend. None of this best of seven games crap, like in baseball or hockey. My prediction for the Super Bowl: I’m going to eat a lot of food. Since my team, the 49ers, were nice enough to let the Packers play the Broncos, I really have no preference as to who wins. But I always say, when you have a last name spelled “Favre,” but it’s pronounced “Farve,” you can’t really go wrong.
Note to George, intrepid school mascot: George, George, George… you’re just not following the rules I set up! Step off! You heard me. Look, I know you miss Superfan Mike, but there’s no need to take it out on me. What’s the deal with you blocking my view at basketball games, and staring at me with your beady little eyes? You want a piece of me? Huh? Do ya? You don’t scare me.