AQUARIUS (Jan. 22-Feb. 21)
You need a wake-up call. Last weekend you forgot about your friends and now they probably hate you. Stop being conceited and apologize.
PISCES (Feb. 22-March 21)
News flash: Your parents don’t love you. Not after you ran up a tab on their Visa last weekend. Start saving now for a place when your parents kick you out.
ARIES (March 22-April 21)
Stop procrastinating and start thinking about the future. You’d better find a job for the summer because your parents sure don’t want your sorry ass at home with them.
TAURUS (April 22-May 21)
So you don’t like surprises. Too bad. This weekend be prepared for an unexpected something to land in your lap.
GEMINI (May 22-June 21)
So you already missed your nine o’clock four times. Don’t worry about it. Forge a doctor’s note from student health. Your professor won’t realize that it’s a fake name because no one really knows who works at student health.
CANCER (June 22-July 21)
It’s time to take control of your life, you pushover. Stop being a doormat and stand up for what you believe in. Tell that person who you pretend to like how much you actually hate them.
LEO (July 22-Aug. 21)
You’re on a lucky streak. Even though you lost lots of money last week playing stupid games, bet on the Super Bowl this weekend. If you win, you may be able to afford the graduation fee.
VIRGO (Aug. 22-Sept. 21)
That person who kept looking at you in bio isn’t interested in you. You probably went to class with something gross on your face and s/he just kept looking to see what it was.
LIBRA (Sept. 22-Oct. 21)
This weekend go crazy. For a tight ass like you, this means going to the movies at one o’clock and then sneaking around from show to show for the rest of the afternoon.
SCORPIO (Oct. 22-Nov. 21)
You’ve been so busy that you forgot to check your e-mail. Hurry up and log on because a high school romance just found your address. Don’t get too excited. Some people get a little weird.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Start making plans now for Valentine’s Day. You don’t want to be stuck alone from the Colonial Grill like you were last year. Maybe you should check out the personals in the City Paper.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 21)
Remember last weekend – probably not. If you stay sober for a little while on Friday, you may find exactly what you’ve been looking for.
This article appeared in the January 22, 1998 issue of the Hatchet.