CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 21)

It’s time to get back on track. Your parents don’t pay this fine institution billions of dollars for you to get the G.P.A. you got last semester.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 22-Feb. 21)

Stressed yet? Don’t worry, you will be. With your busy schedule you won’t have any time to eat. At least you’ll drop the weight you put on during break.

PISCES (Feb. 22-March 21)

So your New Year’s resolution was to find a romantic partner. Speak to that cute guy/girl in Stat. At least go to the frat parties this weekend and get drunk enough so that someone appears mildly attractive and approachable.

ARIES (March 22-April 21)

This semester, just smile, do your work and bitch to your significant other every chance you get. If you take the time to squeeze him/her into your busy schedule, s/he might at least listen to your complaints.

TAURUS (April 22-May 21)

Your first day back to classes was horrible. Things are only going to get worse. Pack your bags, go home and live off your parents for the rest of your life. Face it, it’s your only option.

GEMINI (May 22-June 21)

After the holidays, you are poor. Stop eating at Friday’s and just use the points on your meal card. It’s time you realized your friends aren’t going to support your drinking habit this semester.

CANCER (June 22-July 21)

You need to go on a health kick. Get to a doctor, but not Student Health – you don’t need a pregnancy test.

LEO (July 22-Aug. 21)

This semester, turn over a new leaf. Only skip classes on rainy days.

VIRGO (Aug. 22-Sept. 21)

This is the semester to get a job. You were broke last semester and were forced to become a hermit. Go make some money, and you’ll actually have a social life.

LIBRA (Sept. 22-Oct. 21)

So your roommate went abroad and now you’re stuck with a new one who you swear is Patty Simcox from Grease – she thinks you’ll share secrets and be life-long friends. Accidentally spill her secrets and nip the problem in the bud.

SCORPIO (Oct. 22-Nov. 21)

Maybe it’s time to face the facts. You need to chose a major. Pick an easy one and get good grades.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Still searching for that perfect someone? Take out a personal ad because the pickings at GW are mighty slim.