I have recently come to the realization that life as I know it is about to end. No more students, no more books. No more teachers, dirty looks. My life is about to change radically, and I’m starting to panic.

Fortunately, the good people at George Washington have everything under control. Thanks to the office of residential life (or whatever their new name is), I’m set for housing next year. Didn’t you get that letter? The one that said to make sure to get your housing deposit in before Feb. 1? Yep, that’s the one.

At first, I got really, really angry at the University for making such a stupid mistake to send those letters to a graduating senior like myself. I first started to wonder how much money was wasted by sending all of these letters out.

But my Dad reminded me of something else. Most seniors are awfully mad at the proposition of having graduation moved from the Ellipse, because according to the administration “it costs too much.” And now we get this letter. I think this is great! Finally, the administration has figured out a way to circumvent the whole alumni giving thing, and they’ve figured out a way to pay for the Ellipse this May. If you figure that 1,000 people will graduate, and they each send in $300, we’ve got enough money to rent the MCI Center twice! Woohoo! After-graduation kegger at Abe Pollins’!

My mom had a different take, and I’ve got to agree with her. All of the graduating seniors who got this letter from Paul Barkett should call him up at 994-6688 and thank him for the generous offer.

Figure that we spend about $500 a month for housing, and compare that to prices in other places around town – we get free security and have to sign guests in, all for less money. Let’s see Columbia Plaza try to top that. I, for one, am sending in my 300 bucks.

And Mr. Barkett, thanks. I was worried about where I’d live once I graduated from college. I bet I get a really great lottery number this year. What’s the range of numbers for alumni, anyway?

Since I don’t have to worry about housing next year, I’ve been trying to catch up on my TV watching the last couple of weeks. (Because I won’t be able to watch TV once I get a job and probably won’t have cable in my alumni residence next year.) Anyway, I’ve got to say, there are some weird things for sale on Channel 23 these days.

During the day, when more women watch TV, there’s an infomercial running between “Gomer Pyle, USMC” and “I Love Lucy” reruns for a prosthetic breast called “Curves.”

Now I must preface this by saying that would be a great idea if it was used primarily for breast cancer survivors or for victims of a crime that needed a prosthetic breast.

But these “Curves” aren’t anything like that.

From what I understand, you slip a “curve” into your bra and they gel into what you’ve already got in there. The infomercial shows all sorts of really small-breasted women who are in love with their now-huge chests. Here’s where I find my problem.

Speaking on behalf of all guys everywhere, we like a really good set of breasts on a woman. Nothing like them. But more important is a self-confident woman behind the breasts.

Basically, the only thing that I can compare “Curves” to is a clip on tie. Picture the scene: You and your boyfriend, after a romantic evening, go back to your alumni residence hall (named such until GW can find a proper name for it) and you pull off his clip-on. Freaky, huh?

Women: No matter what size you are, DON’T wear a prosthetic breast for cosmetic purposes. (PLEASE!)

And another thing: Does Time-Life make anything besides ’80s

collections? Cool Rock, Hot Rock, Hard Rock, Rock Rock, Sean Connery in The Rock, Crappy Rock. AUGH!

The best part of the ’80s was leaving the bad music behind!

On a related note, I understand that with my $300 deposit, Paul Barkett will send along GW Rock free of charge, on eight-track or cassette.

Boy, now that’s an infomercial worth buying.