I am writing this article for my testosteroned brethren who have yet to find true love in the George Washington social permafrost. True, it sometimes seems as if that special someone is not around the corner. It sometimes seems as if your true love is hooking up with the British soccer players. It sometimes seems as if Palmella Handerson will be your life-mate. Take heart my less-than-strikingly handsome compatriots, I proffer you hope. I have found love. True, I can’t write anything about her because she is embarrassed by me and thinks Tryg Olsen is funnier than I am, but still, behind closed doors she sometimes lets me hold her hand.
How did I do it? How did this gork – (a couple weeks ago, The Hatchet corrected my “gork” self-reference to “dork.” I am not a dork and was offended. Gorks are tall lanky dorks. The height puts us a cut above. So Hatchet editors, stop f-ing with the pecking order in my worldview.) How did this gork manage it? It was a long process. Here brothers is my chronological trail of tears beginning with Colonial Inauguration:
1.) Amora – This tall blond “Justice of the Peace” introduced herself to me and I was smitten. I later found out she had smited the whole GW male/lesbian population. After a few hellos on the street, our relationship petered out and a couple years later I stopped having wet dreams about her.
2.) Amanda – This four week relationship in Thurston Hell seemed like my longest relationship ever. Probably because up until that point in my life it was my longest. I like to think that her parents pressured her into dropping me because I was a gentile. Whatever the case, she said she needed some time apart. That was three years ago and she still wants more time.
3.) Donyell, Danielle? – This was my first one-night-stand ever. (No, we didn’t go all the way, you perv) It began at the 1994 SAE Halloween party. I was dressed up as a Pakistani (courtesy of my roomie Ali Ayub) and she was dressed up as a genie. Her brother brought us beers at the party and woke us up in the morning. Now that I think about it, that whole sibling thing was a little weird.
4.) Anonymous – I spent way too much time with this girl in the hopes of making the tricky friend-to-lover switch. I think one of the reasons I was so stricken by this woman was that, by the stories she told, she was about 500 times more sexually experienced than I was. Every time we played truth or dare she dropped my jaw and raised my flag. When I finally got up the gazungas to propose the switch she said, “No. But do you want to go shopping?” That answer was rather disappointing to me and all the other guys crowded around the telephone. That night she hooked up with a chunky uglier-than-me-smelly-atrophied-big-haired-punkus-humunkous at a Sigma Cheese party and probably added to her exploits. Being the man that I am, I ended our friendship to retain some of my honor.
5.) Cindy – I like to think our relationship didn’t take off in Thruston Hell because we both had three roommates and we never got any privacy. Yeah, right. I’m a big WIENER. Although I do remember one time asking her if she wanted to go in the bathroom. She didn’t like that idea. I miss her hair.
<IMG ALIGN=LEFT ALT=rob BORDER=1 SRC=images_upload/rob.jpg 6.) Sig Kapp Mia – I spent my whole sophomore year with this female. Once again, weenie Rob tried to assure himself he only thought of her as a friend. I never did go for the switcheroo (probably because I liked her too much to scare her). I still love her because she brought me soup when I was sick. At least I think she did. I don't know, I forget. Anyway I still love her, even though she thinks she is better than I am now that she is in SIGMA KAPPA. She promised to take me to a Sigma Kappa event before I die (graduate), but it appears she prefers taking fraternity boys' pet hamsters to taking moi.
7.) Lee – (now my boss at The Hatchet); I attempted a friend- lover switcheroo here but I was caught in the act by her roommate who was suspicious as to why I only talked to Lee and not her. Her roommate joyfully broke the news to me that Lee was taken and shamed me into barrenness for the rest of sophomore year. Thanks a lot Reena.
8.) Sig Kapp Paula – After a week of psyching myself up and ulcer attacks, I called this girl I hardly knew (hey bud, she smiled at me once) and offered to take her out to dinner. She said this week was filled. OK fine. Then she said she thought the next week was filled also. I quickly caught on to the pattern and exited the conversation in defeat. Looking back, one of her roommates once said I smelled like sausage. I hope that was not the reason for Paula’s apprehension.
9.) Sig Kapp Kristin – As you can tell I am quite the stud with the Sig Kappers. Freshman year I had Kristin on an almost amorian level. When I found out Kristin was a mere mortal, I immediately took the opportunity to get to know her. She once told me that if she and I were both single by graduation she and I would do fun things together. Ahem. (She didn’t even mind my suggestion of dendration – sex in trees.) I still think I might have gotten somewhere if I had gotten up the gazungas to make the switcheroo. Now she is happily with a Delta Tau Delta. Lucky bastard.
10.) Jennifer – Things began well here. I hardly knew her, so there was no switcheroo to deal with. Unfortunately, I also didn’t realize that we were as compatible as Liddy Dole and Marilyn Manson. When I tried to make her laugh, I could see the look of fear in her eyes. She thought I was one f-ed up m.f. She dumped me after the GW Inaugural Ball (dancing a whole dance on my friend’s shoulders probably didn’t help, making me a nine foot tall gork). After I burned our pictures in my sink and some dude friends forced me to go to Camelot, my heart recovered. I would still kill barn swallows to be with her physically.
11) Hare Krishna. Rob finds HAPPINESS with a very slow switcheroo.
So now little Willy Newport, you see that you too may find true love at GW even if you are a big WIENER like me with emotional scars the size of Stephen Joel Trachtenberg’s mustache across your heart. Try, try, try again my fellow soldiers.
And for the females out there who are trying to land that man, I have a simple word for you – CLEAVAGE. I know it is shallow. I know it is a shame. But it works a lot better than those pea coats. There is a girl on campus with whom I fell in love with when she bent over in the computer lab exposing the top of her breastal area to me two years ago. Even though I don’t even find her attractive, especially since her freshman 15 had telescoped geometrically, I would still marry her because of that holy moment down in the dungeon of CIRC which will shine across Rob’s memory for eternity.
Now that I have all my readers pumped up COMMENCE MAKING LOVE. Remember to use a condom. Thank you.
This article appeared in the December 4, 1997 issue of the Hatchet.