SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Your Thanksgiving wasn’t relaxing because your family annoyed you too much. The next couple of weeks aren’t going to be a vacation, either, because of all of the work you have to do.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 21)
Stop bitching about all of the papers you have to write. Not only does no one care because they also have work to do, but you’ve known about these papers for weeks now.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 22-Feb. 21)
Your finances are in poor standing. Stop losing your money at the bars now or you’re going to have to make all of your gifts this holiday season.
PISCES (Feb. 22-March 21)
Your hard work will not pay off – don’t bother. Just start your holiday early. Swill some eggnog and watch for snowflakes.
ARIES (March 22-April 21)
You’re going to need to get a job if you want money this winter break. Not only will you not be able to buy any presents, but you’ll have no beer money, either.
TAURUS (April 22-May 21)
You’ve gotten kinda fat from Thanksgiving. Why don’t you try exercising during winter break so you can come back for the spring semester looking like Tyra Banks.
GEMINI (May 22-June 21)
You’ve had it easy this past week. Get all of your work done so you won’t risk getting any incompletes that will give you ulcers during winter break.
CANCER (June 22-July 21)
You’re getting coal in your stocking this year, bitch. Maybe if you hadn’t sucked so bad lately you would get some gifts.
LEO (July 22-Aug. 21)
You’re so dumb you miss your finals every year because you forget to set your alarm. You’d better remember this time if you ever hope to get out of this University.
VIRGO (Aug. 22-Sept. 21)
During this season of finals, don’t forget about the Code of Academic Integrity. Don’t even bother to cheat off the kid next to you. Not only is he dumb as shit, but he took a few bong hits before the final and his bluebook is filled with stories from that weekend last summer spent with a bottle of Captain Morgan and some “mystery pills,” possibly ruphies.
LIBRA (Sept. 22-Oct. 21)
When filling out this year’s departmental course evaluations, give your professor all good marks. You’re stupid if you really think they wait to read them until the grades are safely turned in and that they don’t know your handwriting.
SCORPIO (Oct. 22-Nov. 21)
Avoid activities this vacation that may put you at risk. If you choose to ski, sled or snowboard, you may get injured, possibly breaking some bones – namely, your skull.
This article appeared in the December 4, 1997 issue of the Hatchet.