SCORPIO (Oct. 22-Nov. 21)

You go on a date with Super Fan Mike this weekend. It’s in retaliation for your boyfriend stalking that girl he likes. You should get mo’ drunk this weekend – I know how much you like Jell-O shots and wine coolers.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

You’ll finally get released from your dungeon in the basement, Timmy.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 21)

So you thought you would escape your annoying roommate during Thanksgiving break. Think again. He/she managed to weasel his/her way into your holiday plans.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 22-Feb. 21)

Travel is in your future. Just make sure it’s not a permanent vacation from GW because you might flunk out of school.

PISCES (Feb. 22-March 21)

Like Aquarius, you’re also going somewhere soon. Bring money and an inflatable raft – and leave all sharp objects at home. If you’re not traveling immediately, you’ll leave in a few months for a foreign land.

ARIES (March 22-April 21)

Why don’t you go out and get bombed again this weekend. It won’t be as fun as last weekend, but only because a certain someone won’t be there to tell you how much they love you. Instead, he/she will be sleeping in the great outdoors.

TAURUS (April 22-May 21)

Bumping heads has always been your specialty. Watch out because someone with a harder skull is headed your way.

GEMINI (May 22-June 21)

You’ve always been told that someone else like you is out there. Surprises await when you go home and realize who it is. Avoid confrontation with your mother.

CANCER (June 22-July 21)

Stop harassing people about your dumb project, no one cares!

LEO (July 22-Aug. 21)

So you tried to arrange your entire schedule around a girl/boy? You’re pretty stupid if you thought that was going to work. After a weekend with your family, you can now rest.

VIRGO (Aug. 22-Sept. 21)

News you’ve been waiting for finally arrives – and it’s good! You can stop that silly superstition now and start shaving- you look like shit. Go home! It’s crystal-clear: Your roommates miss you because you’re never home anymore.

LIBRA (Sept. 22-Oct. 21)

Who gets locked inside their house? Only you, I guess. Your boss is going out of town this week, so you’ll have to fend for yourself. You won’t get confused about any basketball games because GW will be in Maui.