SCORPIO (Oct. 22-Nov. 21)

Think you’re right on course on your way to graduation? Make sure you get a balance sheet because you may be missing classes you don’t even know about.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Remember to hit the star key followed by the pound key so all of your CRNs will be processed properly.CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 21)

Haven’t decided on a major yet? What the hell are you waiting for? If you don’t get your ass in gear, you’ll end up on the five year plan.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 22-Feb. 21)

You were always the kid in math class that would argue with the teacher that you don’t need to learn crap like dividing imaginary numbers. You were absolutely right. Now, you pay thousands a year to take classes that will have no impact on you or your chosen career path.

PISCES (Feb. 22-March 21)

Get your hold off as soon as possible. If you wait too long you’ll be stuck in 8 a.m. classes on Friday mornings. While you are at it, get a major for God’s sake. If you’re graduating this year, your one happy thought about having to get through one more semester is getting wasted on the Ellipse (?) with your friends while SJT tells you how important your four years at GW were.

ARIES (March 22-April 21)

Don’t expect to get into any classes you NEED to take to graduate from this dump. They’ll try and keep you here as long as possible to squeeze out every cent you have.

TAURUS (April 22-May 21)

Don’t put off such core requirements like Chemistry with Filapescu until senior year. You don’t want to be stuck in some asinine lab doing titration experiments when you could be at home sleeping.

GEMINI (May 22-June 21)

Forget about your registration woes by going to GW basketball games this weekend. Afterward, you can try to make the three classes that you need to take and that are offered at the same time fit into your schedule.

CANCER (June 22-July 21)

Think it is not fair that you’re forced to take two year’s worth of crap to fulfill core requirements? Madame Viva agrees with you for once. The worst part is you’re actually paying for these headaches and classes you will never, ever need.

LEO (July 22-Aug. 21)

Quit bitching that you can’t get though to the touch tone registration system. It’s better than having to wait in lines for hours like they did in the days before telephones, or something.

VIRGO (Aug. 22-Sept. 21)

Never took a freshman advising workshop? This pass/fail class is going to haunt you for the rest of your life because now you can’t graduate from this fine institution.

LIBRA (Sept. 22-Oct. 21)

What? You think there are no fun classes at GW? Try taking Echocardiography II through the Radiology Department or Computational Complexity offered from Mathematics.