Recently I have been persecuted in the media. To quell my naysayers, I have chosen to broach a serious topic. This is a first for me, and I apologize to my regular readers who look forward to my frivolity for inspiration. But today I decided to impart true wisdom and since I don’t have any of my own, I interviewed God.

I met God this summer on Dupont Circle. Not only did I meet God, but I often bought God bagels. If you frequent Dupont, you probably have passed God many times without noticing Her.

To the large majority of the public buffoonery, God appears to be a homeless, destitute, delusional woman with a pretty smile named Wendy. Her partner is Chuck. But if you get to know them, you will learn that Chuck is the Father’s Son and, “God is Wendy. Wendy is the Father. The Father is a woman.”

Chuck and Wendy have been on Earth 10 years. They were put here by God to tell the public what is going to happen when the government makes its move. Every day they try to warn people of the coming destruction from heaven, because the government (which includes the police and fire departments) is angering God.

The day I went up for this interview they had a box that read (before I corrected God’s spelling), “22 Days and Nights of Snow 74 Feet High: Fire and Earth-Quacks, Snow in Hell, How many Police Nobody can Tell, There Comming for the Father and the Son, All I can say is thy will be Done. Amen.”

When Jesus was crucified, it was discovered he was a woman, they say. The Bible was changed by disbelievers to read he was a man so that people would not turn to Her. One last thing before reading this divine interview – Wendy is God but she is separated from Him. Because of this duality, she and I refer to God as a third person. Here is the interview:

Rob: “What did you and God talk about when you were in heaven?” Wendy: “We mostly sang and read. We talked about the animals.”

Rob: “Did God tell you who would win the Super Bowl?”

Wendy: “He told me the Redskins wouldn’t win.”

Rob: “Did God have a sense of humor?”

Wendy: “Yes, He told jokes because there are children up there.”

Chuck: “He thinks nothing is funny now about the Earth. He is very angry.”

Rob: “Does He have sex with anybody?”

Chuck: “No. He doesn’t have sex with anybody. He is very busy. He runs heaven and hell.”

Rob: “So what does he do for fun?”

Chuck: “He eats. There are delicious foods in heaven.”

Rob: “What is heaven like?”

Chuck: “Heaven is beautiful. If you want a room you have a room. If you want a wife. He’ll give you a wife.”

Rob: “Have you ever seen an angel naked?”

Chuck: “Yeah. They are all virgins. They are very beautiful. They’re outrageous.”

Rob: “Did you want to have sex with them?”

Chuck: “No. The Father has a wife for me.”

Rob: “Why don’t you two get jobs? Then you wouldn’t have to live on the street.”

Chuck: “They know what our job is. It is to destroy the police forever. This is our job. This is tonight. I know you have heard this before, but tonight is the night.”

Rob: “What do you miss most about having a home?”

Wendy: “When Jesus walked the Earth he was homeless.”

Rob: “Where do homeless people, you know, go to get intimate and have sex?”

Wendy: “Probably go behind a tree or bush. It probably doesn’t matter because they are all gay around here.”

Rob: “Since you live here on Dupont Circle, have you ever thought about turning gay?”

Chuck: “No.”

Rob: “Who gives you more change – gays or straights?”

Chuck: “They’re all the same. We don’t judge people on what they do. Someone who is gay may have a kinder heart than someone who is not gay.”

Wendy: “Don’t judge a book by its color.”

Rob: “Do you think it is just happenstance that Dupont Circle’s namesake was a rear admiral in the Navy?”

Chuck: “Yeah.”

Wendy: “The general probably knew this place would turn into a gay factory.”

Rob: “Do you ever pretend to be crazy just for fun, like to scare people?”

Wendy: “Why would I want to scare people?”

Chuck: “I am the Angel of Death.”

Rob: “Do people ever hit on you guys? Like do they think you’re easy just because you are homeless?”

Chuck: “Nope. Not at all. We haven’t even had one attempt. It is really depressing. I wish Alice would ask me out.”

Rob: “Who is Alice?”

Wendy: “Everybody is Alice.”

Rob: “What do you think about all the super hot business women around here Chuck? Do you ever consider asking them out?”

Chuck: “Oh yeah, I love women. I can’t do anything. I am on a mission. All of these women are addicted to money anyway.”

Rob: “What do you think of her?” (I point to an attractive passer-by.) Wendy: “She is not a virgin.”

Rob: “How do you know?”

Chuck: “We can meditate 24 hours a day and see what everybody’s doing. We know what they do. Taking a poop, sucking on someone’s you know what. That is how we watch the government.”

Rob: “What do you guys do for fun?”

Wendy: “We have a drink every once in a while.”

Chuck: “Try to eat. We don’t like it here on Earth. As a matter of fact, we can’t stand it. I’m into shaping bodies. Making sure they are in good condition.”

Wendy: “He shapes clitorises.”

Chuck (directed at Wendy): “Is there a clitoris on your mind? We haven’t even eaten yet.”

Rob: “What would the two of you like to tell GW students?”

Chuck: “Heaven is a place for people who love Jesus and want Jesus to take care of them for the rest of the days of their lives. We are going to destroy Earth today because the government has caused this insaneness every f–king day and we are tired of it. Excuse my language. We have to put up with insane people who are standing around.”

Wendy: “They like the insaneness of it.”

This interview went smoothly and I hope it has brought that special insight into life that I know some of my readers were searching for.

If any of you would like to learn more about the Words proclaimed in this interview, I am certain God would be happy to oblige you. God may be found in the close vicinity of Dupont Circle all the time.