SCORPIO (Oct. 22-Nov. 21)
Feeling blue just because every time the Rose Man walks into a bar no one buys a flower for you? Maybe that’s because you suck.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You and your dumb habits are annoying your roommates and driving them to drastic measures. Don’t be surprised if you come home from class one day and your bed is in the hallway and your crap is on fire on the sidewalk below your window. Just remember, you deserve it.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 21)
You are the envy of all of the hard-working students here at GDub because you are lazy. When was the last time you went to class or even woke up before dusk? Start getting motivated – your Daddy is reconsidering aiding you in your quest to be a rich bum. He may actually make you get a job.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 22-Feb. 21)
No one wants to date you? Maybe it’s your breath and no one has the balls to tell you to start using Scope or at least chew a Tic-Tac.
PISCES (Feb. 22-March 21)
You’re cheap. No, you don’t have to spend your money on frivolous things, but that doesn’t mean you have to put away 95 percent of your paycheck “in case there’s an emergency.”
ARIES (March 22-April 21)
Dr. Scholls has some wonderful products for that foot odor problem you seem to have. You can get some at any of the numerous CVS drugstores in our area.
TAURUS (April 22-May 21)
You’ve been procrastinating long enough. The Five Year Plan may sound cool now, but it won’t be much fun when you’re here and your friends aren’t.
GEMINI (May 22-June 21)
Didn’t I already tell you to get a hobby? You wouldn’t be so bored if you weren’t sleeping 15 hours a day.
CANCER (June 22-July 21)
Your constant slacking at work is not going unnoticed by your superiors. It may be too late to save your job, though. Your lucky numbers are 349, 2 and 91.
LEO (July 22-Aug. 21)
You’re pretty clumsy so you better watch-out this week. I see an expensive purchase in your future that is a replacement of something you broke.
VIRGO (Aug. 22-Sept. 21)
Try changing your style so you don’t look like everyone else on campus. No, black pants are not unique if every “sister” is also wearing them. By the way, you should never, under any circumstances, wear your Teevas/Birckinstocks with white socks, especially when you wear shorts. You look like a fool.
LIBRA (Sept. 22-Oct. 21)
Stop calling and complaining that these horoscopes are “too mean.” Suck it up.