GW needs a revolutionary new concept: grades for beer

Now that midterms are finished, I think it’s time all faculty, administrators and students take a load off, have a beer (if you’re over 21, otherwise a non-alcoholic beverage will do fine) and listen to what I have to say. It might just save our University from certain disaster.

We’ve all gone through midterms together. Some of us have done better than others, and of course, some of us have done worse than others. It’s the “worse” that we need to be concerned about.

According to major publications, this is more a party school than an institution of higher learning. As a senior, I’ve learned to agree with that. But as our University excels in what we do best, partying, our studies suffer.

Gosh darn it, we should be rewarded for our first-rate partying with good grades. I’m not suggesting heavy partygoers get grades that are totally unfounded. I’m suggesting that we get a little boost.

All of the faculty knows what I mean. It’s pretty obvious who went to Flipp’s on a Thursday night, as they reek in an 11 a.m. Friday class. The student doesn’t want to be there, the professor doesn’t want the student to be there. So let him go back to bed.

Let the kid enjoy his hangover. That student is one of our best and brightest partiers. So studying isn’t an option when you’re drowning in Coors Light. If you ask me, it is the responsibility of the faculty to inflate that student’s grade, so that he can keep partying – and we can overtake No.1 in the party poll.

tryg If students were allowed to party without fear of examinations, papers, etc. we could be number one. Imagine it: We could move around campus in a drunken stupor chanting “We’re number 1! We’re number 1!” And we wouldn’t even have to beat UMass to do it.

We could have designated party days, instead of designated Mondays. “Keggers on the Quad” would be more than just a law school event. The best partiers would walk around campus in “GW party” jackets and pretend they don’t speak English to look cooler.

On one of our designated party days we could have “midnight madness.” Instead of introducing the basketball team and watching it shoot layups, we could have the party team roll kegs or something. Just imagine how much fun it would be to watch 10 or so guys get really really drunk on the Smith Center floor.

This kind of thing has been done for basketball programs all across the country, sacrificing academics for being No. 1. Unfortunately, we here at GW are cursed with a basketball coach who believes in the value of a good education. So we’ve got to be number 1 in partying.

We need the faculty and the administration to help out here to make this work. We need the administration to selectively look the other way when we party.

Take Scooter, for instance. I have no idea what Scooter’s last name is, but everybody knows him. Scooter was the guy who, when he was a freshman, drank a whole bottle of Goldschlager and passed out in front of FSK and had to get his stomach pumped.

Scooter is the kind of guy we want for The GW party team. Of course, there should be strict NCAA regulations involved here so nobody jumps off of a building or anything. The administration would have to look the other way there too, I guess.

If the faculty gave just a little “boost” in our grades, say, from a C to a C+, or a D to an A- or something, GW could be number one. Sure, it would be in an illegal activity like underage drinking, but damn it, we should work on our strengths and downplay our weaknesses. Party more than study.

Lastly, I don’t know of anyone at GW who, when notified of a 7 percent tuition increase that would go to a campus-wide beer run, wouldn’t shout, “Woohoo!”

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