Horoscopes

SCORPIO (Oct. 22-Nov. 21)

I doubt if you’ll be able to concoct a Halloween costume that’s any uglier than the real you, but you can try. Perhaps you can go as the love child of Trachtenberg and Dorothy Miller.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

What’s the scariest thing this Halloween? It’s not ghosts and goblins. It’s the fact that you haven’t gotten laid in ages. Try picking someone up at Lulu’s Halloween bash- everyone there is pretty easy.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 21)

You’re acting like a crusty old fart. So you can’t go out trick-or-treating anymore. Who cares? You should take advantage of the great drink specials this Halloween.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 22-Feb. 21)

Hopefully you’ve learned an important lesson this week. Don’t repeat your mistakes this Halloween weekend, especially because you’re going to be a lot more drunk and even more stupid.

PISCES (Feb. 22-March 21)

Try being a bit more innovative this year when it comes to your costume. A little bit of planning will save you from ruining a sheet when you cut holes for your eyes.

ARIES (March 22-April 21)

Unlike Pisces, you are too broke this year to be creative. You can’t even afford to use a sheet, so maybe you just shouldn’t go out at all.

TAURUS (April 22-May 21)

You better think twice before you egg Rice Hall and TP the Quad. Mike Walker and judicial affairs will have a field day with you.

GEMINI (May 22-June 21)

You’re too nice. Pull some pranks this Halloween. (Hint: For egging fun, Dorothy Miller lives in Columbia Plaza on 23rd and Virginia. Hide in the alley next to Tokay with your two dozen, grade As and let ’em fly.)

CANCER (June 22-July 21)

You and your significant other just can’t agree on what to do this Halloween. Go your separate ways. Having fun independently of each other is a lot less scary than you think, I promise.

LEO (July 22-Aug. 21)

You’ll be out of town this weekend for Halloween but you’ll have a great time anyway. Be the obnoxious tourist and egg some people while you’re there.

VIRGO (Aug. 22-Sept. 21)

Halloween is for fun, not studying. And this year, because it falls on a Friday, you have the whole weekend to devote to vandalism, drunkenness, drug use, costumes and candy. Put off all work indefinitely.

LIBRA (Sept. 22-Oct. 21)

This year you should give pay-back for all the times you got your pumpkin smashed when you were a kid. Steal all of the pumpkins you can get your hands on and break them all over the steps of Rice Hall. Dress in black and wait until all of the University Police Department officers have fallen asleep on duty.

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