SCORPIO (Oct. 22-Nov. 21)

The only decent programs on TV are “The Simpsons” and “SportsCenter,” so there’s really no need for you to watch the tube all day long. Get out and do something productive.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

You need to find a new boyfriend/girlfriend because your relationship is stale. You’ve already met this new person, but you must make the first move because he/she isn’t impressed yet.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 21)

Thinking of handing in that paper you plagiarized? Think again. The right answer comes from you.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 22-Feb. 21)

Prozac can help people like you, really. It’s a fact that an disproportional number of Aquarians have mental disorders and you’re living proof of this phenomenon.

PISCES (Feb. 22-March 21)

I see travel in your future! Bring a raft, you’ll need it on your adventure.

ARIES (March 22-April 21)

You’ve been lying even more than a university administrator lately, and that’s quite a feat! If you don’t start telling the truth soon, you may be left out in the cold by your friends.

TAURUS (April 22-May 21)

Someone who says they’re a friend really has ulterior motives. Make sure you’re not being used for your GWorld debit points that have been providing your “friends” with salmonella-filled food at J Street.

GEMINI (May 22-June 21)

The answers to your pressing questions will not be found in these horoscopes. Try this week’s Opinions Section.

CANCER (June 22-July 21)

You’ll most likely regret the decisions you’ve made this past week, but you have no one to blame but yourself.

LEO (July 22-Aug. 21)

Do you really think anyone wants to hear about your dumb job working for a dirty politician on the Hill? Reality check: Your job licking stamps and faxing press releases is neither interesting nor impressive, and it is certainly not anything a retarded monkey couldn’t do.

VIRGO (Aug. 22-Sept. 21)

Your creative side is about as interesting and original as Puff Daddy. You need to get away from this evil city for the weekend in order to recuperate.

LIBRA (Sept. 22-Oct. 21)

Get over yourself. He/she only wants to be your friend, not date you. But it’s probably too late for a friendship because you blew it.