After depleting the Army, Marines, National Guard, Coast Guard and even shopping mall security troops, President Bush last week called up GW's entire University Police Department to fight in the war in Iraq. The 100-member battalion of security guards will attempt to make up for the U.
University President Stubbly J. Troll won a legal battle this week to remove the feeding tube that has kept longtime Foggy Bottom resident and advocate Dearthy Maneater alive for years. Maneater is a member of the Almost Nonexistent Community, a local zoning group that opposes everything, even itself.
Several students are facing expulsion following a sorority-sponsored charity hopscotch tournament on University Yard that violated GW regulations for Greek-letter groups Saturday afternoon. The sorority violated statute AA-6.58732, which prohibits unrecognized fraternities, ugly people and girls who don't own Uggs from participating in any type of sorority-sponsored activity.
Reader's Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. The University has solved the campus housing shortage - get students to live on the streets. The Community Lying and Leaching Center has introduced a homeless living and learning community this semester to free up more beds on campus and provide students with the exhilarating experience of occupying local streets and sidewalks, the business know-how of begging for loose change, and the "real-world" training gained urinating in dark corners and digging through trash for meals.
The Chicano, The Jew and The Oriental are in a sandwich shop. No, it's not the start of a racist joke. They're the names of three new racist sandwiches at Coggins', which is seeking to capitalize on the success of its popular salami sandwich "The Guido." Customers can expect to see the new line of sandwiches this June.
A yearlong Shocker investigation into the D.C. Public School system and the Office of Planning has revealed that Foggy Bottom's acclaimed School Without Walls does in fact have walls. "I couldn't believe it ... all these years they've been lying about the walls," said a student who requested anonymity.
Reader's Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. America is mourning the loss of three of its astronauts after their Mount Vernon shuttle bus burst into flames during re-entry to the Foxhall campus Wednesday evening. Commander Stephen Bossy, pilot Balls F.
Reader's Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. There is a new housing option on campus this semester, and all the residents living there have no choice to opt out. University officials said the prison built last semester on the former hospital site on I Street between 22nd and 23rd streets is being used to detain the most problematic members of the GW community.
Reader's Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. Special from the Daily Minuteman POSTED 4:47:12 a.m. www.dailyminuteman.com According to a University press release, a broken tile in the basement of Ivory Tower has been repaired. "A broken tile in the basement of Ivory Tower has been repaired," the press release said.
Students may sue after 4-RIDE Long Island trip Two GW sophomores have filed complaints against the 4-RIDE service after they were driven from D.C. to a Long Island mall. The driver left them at the corner instead of right at the door to a mall. The two females, Ritz Bitch and Busty Bucks, are threatening to sue the University if it fails to take immediate action against the driver of the van.
Vol. 106
An Independent Student Newspaper
Serving The George Washington University Community Since 1904
