What the Buzzkill should not have reported.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
In an effort to start new GW traditions, University President Steamin' Krapp created what some have called the lamest secret society in school history this week: the Order of the Sheep.
The Sigma Upsilon Kappa sorority raised a record $2.57 at their annual fundraiser Saturday night for SUK's national philanthropy, the Juvenile Alzheimer's Fund.
Actor Richard Karn, Al Borland from "Home Improvement," is on campus this week.
We can safely say that there is only one sensible solution: arm The Buzzkill's editorial board.
So, we've been thinking. Transparency is so last year.
Seriously, you should listen to everything I have to say, because my opinions are derived from about a semester of experience at this school.
The SA seriously needs to get laid.
Letters from Needsa Loyer, Madison and others. They hate this school.
After confusing President Obama and millions of onlookers at the inaugural parade, the GW Inaugural Float has continued to travel across the country, bewildering everyone as to the logic behind its design and where the endless amount of money spent on it actually went.
Last fall, GW's School of Malpractice and Hazardous Sciences had its accreditation placed on probation by the Losers Creating Medical Expectations. The LCME report, obtained by The GW Buzzkill, makes us sorry we asked.
Sadly, the Unarmed Police Department was, well, unarmed.
The Stickuptheir Ass-ociation office was ransacked early Friday morning after SA President-elect AutoCandidate 2.0, a robot also known as Julie Bindlegass, "took back the SA" in a violent coup d'etat.
The thick cigarette smoke near Gelman has recently been replaced by a distinctive smell that conjures memories of Allman Brothers concerts and your grandmother's funeral.
It's been said that you've never really had sex until you've done it simultaneously with several strangers. I'm not sure who said it, but I think it's been said.
I've only been here a couple of months, but I feel completely at home, nearly native even.
The GW Buzzkill interviewed a slew of fraternities, ultimate Frisbee teams and classic rock enthusiasts to find experts on legendary troubadour and fixture of American guitar rock.
What better way to realize your untapped potential as a musician of influence than by appropriating the behavior of guitar rock prophet Dave Matthews?
Dave has sweat blood onstage through his crown of thorns and crucified himself before us, his sweet followers. But here's a playlist compiled for the worst case scenario.
"Hippo escaped Marvin Center basement. Fuck."
Through confidential sources, The Buzzkill has obtained a copy of Rahm Emanuel's Commencement address, after its first round of editing by an unknown GW administrator. Reprinted here in full.
In a candid letter addressed to Stickuptheir Ass-ociation Executive Vice President Needsa Loyer, David Fowler's blue 1997 Jeep Cherokee officially resigned from its parking spot on H Street this week.
The popular Colonial Inauguration laser show will be resurrected this summer, but economic woes have forced organizers to replace the $15,000 automated presentation with work study students moving laser pointers really quickly.
The University announced plans Sunday to adopt the National Mall, in an attempt to expand its national profile and assist the government in reducing federal spending.
In an unprecedented but not altogether surprising move, the entire GW men's basketball team decided to transfer out of the program.
Gymnastics, squash, soccer, football... and no one drowned during women's water polo.
Members of GW's swim team blamed chemical imbalances in the Smith Center pool after the team transformed into werewolves during Tuesday night's full moon.
Unarmed Police Department officers rescued GW's beloved mascot, Hippo, from the basement of the Marvin Center yesterday morning, where he had been imprisoned and tortured for more than six months.
The University announced Friday that former Vice President Dick Cheney will be the new leader of the GW Hospital. At a press conference, Cheney proclaimed that he accepted the position because "GW is where my heart is."
University President Steamin' Krapp announced yesterday the formation of a new task force to examine the effectiveness of task forces.
An independent Stickuptheir Ass-ociation committee discovered last week that SA President Vishard Nixon bugged his own Marvin Center office, and tapes reveal an array of disturbing activities and behaviors.
Masked as the preliminary construction of an office and retail complex, The Buzzkill has learned that Square 54 is actually the beginning of a University-funded dig to China.
So here's a newsflash for you: The University is nearly one billion dollars in debt. Of course, none of you really give a shit, do you? I guess we have to put this in terms you can understand.
Vice President Chernak laments Buzzkill coverage in an exclusive interview by The Buzzkill's Eggplant in Chief Cleric Groper.