Students may sue after 4-RIDE Long Island trip Two GW sophomores have filed complaints against the 4-RIDE service after they were driven from D.C. to a Long Island mall. The driver left them at the corner instead of right at the door to a mall. The two females, Ritz Bitch and Busty Bucks, are threatening to sue the University if it fails to take immediate action against the driver of the van.
Several students are facing expulsion following a sorority-sponsored charity hopscotch tournament on University Yard that violated GW regulations for Greek-letter groups Saturday afternoon. The sorority violated statute AA-6.58732, which prohibits unrecognized fraternities, ugly people and girls who don't own Uggs from participating in any type of sorority-sponsored activity.
The Chicano, The Jew and The Oriental are in a sandwich shop. No, it's not the start of a racist joke. They're the names of three new racist sandwiches at Coggins', which is seeking to capitalize on the success of its popular salami sandwich "The Guido." Customers can expect to see the new line of sandwiches this June.
A yearlong Shocker investigation into the D.C. Public School system and the Office of Planning has revealed that Foggy Bottom's acclaimed School Without Walls does in fact have walls. "I couldn't believe it ... all these years they've been lying about the walls," said a student who requested anonymity.
Following in the footsteps of his bigger, higher profile teammates, freshman standout Pat Royce will leave school early for the NBA. According to the NBA's office in New York, the super-sensational, super-scoring guard will take his high-flying game to the pros next season.
Reacting to a year in which teams in the Atlantic 10 Basketball Conference went 2-132 in non-conference play, the NCAA decided it was time to put the league conference in its proper place: exile. Now considered worse than a Division III league, the A-10 is going down the proverbial toilet of college basketball.
While celebrating in the middle of Kogan Plaza on that fateful night last October, a freshman tool-bag with a bright orange shirt and popped collar had an epiphany. "My life is complete!" said the unidentified student, whose first Red Sox experience happened to be the Series' clincher, which he watched on Fox.
In a surprising turn of events for the worlds of faith and commercial music, Pope John Paul II announced that Bono, lead singer of the popular rock group U2, will succeed him as the Supreme Pontiff of the Catholic Church. In a press statement given from the Vatican City helicopter pad, a representative of the Pope said, "Bono is the ideal man to represent the decency and humility that the Catholic Church espouses.
Reader's Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. Paris Hilton is slated to play Linda Lovelace in a remake of "Deep Throat," drawing on what producer Jerry Bruckheimer calls "her fantastic abilities as both a thespian and a whore.
GW's Male Empowerment Mandate for Better Empathy and Rights (MEMBER) brought a controversial new play to campus. The Penis Monologues was part of a fundraiser to promote Y-chromosome organizations nationwide. "After The Vagina Monologues, we realized that men were being repressed," said senior MEMBER President Rodney Weiner.
It all started back in 1992. The East Coast/West Coast battle between Tupac Shakur and Notorious B.I.G was heating up when PBS NewsHour's Jim Lehrer calledthe similarities "whack." But at the time, the public just wouldn't believe. More recently, the parallel between hip-hop and political feuds have made themselves painfully clear, as a polarized political climate has made partisan leaders take an exceptionally ruthless turn.
Reader's Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. Maybe I could just get a prescription. It would be easy enough. Just go into the doctor's office and start fiddling around with his cotton swabs and children's books. "What? What did you say doc? Ha! Got your nose! Oh I'm sorry, I was distracted by your stethoscope.
GELMAN is hOt@ sssssssssizzle izzlszless ~~~~~~~ ~ YEAH! HeY!- Get outta my Way - -ya JERk! GOD! Doesn't anyone eat FritoS anymore? Noooo. Noooooo. We all want .... Dor -RI-TOS! With the big cheetah on the front. Yeah HiM! - ! @#. hEy, you com e ba ck here - CAT! I snuck a- a pack of beer into Gelman in my messenger bag.
Useless Po'Po' officers are on the lookout for three women involved in separate public masturbation incidents that took place in Foggy Bottom last weekend. The most recent incident, which occurred at the International House, prompted UPD to post Public Safety Advisory notices in all residence halls.
When freshman James Begley came to GW, he was happy to have a double room all to himself. But things took a drastic turn for the worst after winter break. "I just got back to find some hairy naked kid doing some sort of exercise in my room," said Begley, who called the police after he thought an assailant had broken into his room.
Reader's Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. Special from the Daily Minuteman POSTED 4:47:12 a.m. www.dailyminuteman.com According to a University press release, a broken tile in the basement of Ivory Tower has been repaired. "A broken tile in the basement of Ivory Tower has been repaired," the press release said.
Reader's Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. There is a new housing option on campus this semester, and all the residents living there have no choice to opt out. University officials said the prison built last semester on the former hospital site on I Street between 22nd and 23rd streets is being used to detain the most problematic members of the GW community.
Reader's Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. AISLE 1: Joint Election Committee (JEC) Played a crucial role in the 2000 election, which did not produce a winner for six weeks. Has since moved on to destroying other, much much more meaningless elections.
Reader's Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. Want to complain about GW but didn't learn much about writing in your freshman English class? Follow these steps and fill out the form letter below: 1. Pick something that isn't perfect or could be made more luxurious in your college experience, preferably something arbitrary and unimportant 2.
The days of one orifice at a time are behind us. It is time to move into the new age of double orifice penetration. In the age of ADD children used to hundreds of TV channels and the Internet's instant gratification, one orifice just isn't enough to capture the attention of today's youth.
Reader's Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. Dear readers, There has been a lot of reflection around here lately about the enormous success of last year's April 1 production, The Jew-W SnipIt. We are, after all, just a bunch of attention-seeking children, and as last year proved, what better way to gain attention than to offend a variety of social and ethnic groups while showing pictures of genitalia and naked lesbians making out? Yes, those were the glory days.
After depleting the Army, Marines, National Guard, Coast Guard and even shopping mall security troops, President Bush last week called up GW's entire University Police Department to fight in the war in Iraq. The 100-member battalion of security guards will attempt to make up for the U.
Reader's Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. The University has solved the campus housing shortage - get students to live on the streets. The Community Lying and Leaching Center has introduced a homeless living and learning community this semester to free up more beds on campus and provide students with the exhilarating experience of occupying local streets and sidewalks, the business know-how of begging for loose change, and the "real-world" training gained urinating in dark corners and digging through trash for meals.
University President Stubbly J. Troll won a legal battle this week to remove the feeding tube that has kept longtime Foggy Bottom resident and advocate Dearthy Maneater alive for years. Maneater is a member of the Almost Nonexistent Community, a local zoning group that opposes everything, even itself.
"You'd better take care of me, Lord. Otherwise you're going to have me on your hands." -Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas Well, here I am. I bet the so-called "omniscient, all-powerful" bastard thought I was kidding and that he'd never see me in his holy lair.
Reader's Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue. America is mourning the loss of three of its astronauts after their Mount Vernon shuttle bus burst into flames during re-entry to the Foxhall campus Wednesday evening. Commander Stephen Bossy, pilot Balls F.
Vol. 108
An Independent Student Newspaper
Serving The George Washington University Community Since 1904
