Let’s face it: You may have plenty of money on your GWorld card at the start of the semester, but fast-forward a few months into the school year, and you’ll be hungry and too lazy to cook in the common kitchen in your residence hall.
You can dive into the magical and slightly horrendous world of college dorm room cooking with the following three recipes. Microwaves are encouraged.
Warning: These recipes may raise your cholesterol to ridiculous levels. Proceed with caution.
Clam Chowder Bread Bowl
The classic San Francisco favorite: clam chowder bread bowl. Otherwise known as the only food where you can eat the plate. It’s hearty and delicious, and the soup is only slightly questionable. This dish is highly recommended for those long winter nights when you can’t be bothered to go outside, even for food.
Ingredients:
1. Cheapest loaf of unsliced sourdough bread (unsliced) you can find
2. Can of clam chowder. CVS offers two for $3 blitz deals.
3. Shredded cheese (to taste)
Materials:
1. Your hands
2. Plastic utensils
3. Microwave
Directions:
1. Take your plastic knife and start hacking away at your bread loaf until your knife bends beyond repair. At that point, simply throw the knife away and rip out the top of the bread with your bare hands in primal fury, so that you remove a circle about the size of your palm from the top.
2. Once the lid is off, you can tear out the soft innards with your hands. Make sure to leave about an inch of bread all around so the clam chowder doesn’t seep through the walls.
3. After you hollow out your bread bowl, peel open the can of clam chowder and pour that bad boy into the shell. If your clam chowder is un-peelable and requires a can opener to open, take a minute to reflect on your mistakes because you definitely didn’t buy the discount clam chowder at CVS’s two-for-$3 deal.
4. Nuke your delicious abomination in the microwave for one minute. By the end of the minute, stick your finger into the chowder to see if it’s hot enough for consumption – which it won’t be because GW microwaves are, as a general rule, weaker than complimentary hotel coffee. If it’s not ready yet, pop it back in for another minute.
5. Sprinkle with cheese and enjoy.
One-minute microwaveable scrambled eggs
As you’ve undoubtedly noticed, the microwave is the Holy Grail of college dorm cooking and a constant in all three of these recipes. Never disrespect the almighty microwave: It will be your sole provider of food after GWorld money runs out. Plus, you can cook the entirety of the college student food pyramid with it – chicken, ramen, old leftovers, frozen Lean Cuisine meals, CVS soup and, with this recipe, scrambled eggs.
Long live the microwave.
Ingredients:
1. Four eggs
2. Milk
3. Cheese
Materials:
1. A coffee mug, bowl, a flower pot or anything else you can find that won’t melt in the microwave
2. Plastic utensils
3. Microwave
Directions:
1. Crack four eggs into your bowl. You can eyeball the milk, but don’t be too generous – one or two splashes is usually good. Scientifically speaking, that’s about three teaspoons of milk.
2. Sprinkle in as much cheese as you want.
3. Stir that sucker with a plastic knife. If you’re at that point in the semester where you’re saving those last three dollars of GWorld for your laundry, stir it with your finger. No need to get too fancy with it.
4. Nuke the bowl for 45 seconds, then take it out and stir it again. Put it back in for about 45 more seconds, or however long it takes for the eggs to firm up and look edible. As with all college dorm cooking, use your best judgment.
5. Sprinkle with more cheese.
Sriracha salmon
Although it’s the priciest on the list, this microwavable salmon is perfect for date night – if your date is fine with having date night in your dorm room while you watch a dead fish revolve in your microwave.
Make sure to watch the salmon closely, because the microwave could overcook it in seconds. Take it out a few seconds early to test how well if flakes.
Ingredients:
1. Salmon, either fresh or frozen
2. Sriracha
3. Mayonnaise
4. Two or three lemon wedges
5. Parsley
Materials:
1. A microwavable flat surface, like a dish
2. Plastic wrap
3. An extra bowl
4. Microwave
Directions:
1. Rinse the salmon with cold water and lovingly pat it dry. Warning: it will be slippery and try to fly out of your hand.
2. Place the salmon skin-down on the dish.
3. Mix equal parts Sriracha and mayonnaise into the extra bowl, and once it’s nicely blended spread the mixture onto the top of the salmon. Coat it from head to toe. Be generous.
4. Arrange the lemon wedges (and parsley if you’re feeling particularly classy) nicely onto the plate, then seal the whole thing with plastic wrap.
5. Nuke your fancy fish for three minutes and 30 seconds. Check the center of your fish to see if it’s done cooking.
6. Optional step: Sprinkle with cheese.
