April Fools' Issue: Lance Armstrong to head admissions office

by DyiN' Spermies

New admissions dean Lance Armstrong will take over an office notorious for inflated achievements.
Media Credit: Sam I Am | Green Egs and Ham
New admissions dean Lance Armstrong will take over an office notorious for inflated achievements.

Reader's note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

The University went public this week with news that cyclist and philanthropist Lance Armstrong will be the new dean of admissions, months after GW admitted to inflating admissions data for more than 10 years, resulting in expulsion from U.S. News & World report’s collegiate rankings.

Armstrong addressed the Board of Trustees Sunday, wearing his trademark yellow jersey and teardrop-shaped helmet.

“Listen, if GW’s going to get to the front of the pack and stay there, we’re going to need an edge,” Armstrong told the group of admiring onlookers. “I plan to enhance this university’s reputation in any way I can.”

Babysitter #3 told Le Hachét in January that the shortlist for the job also included German pop duo Milli Vanilli, “A Million Little Pieces” author James Frey, famed Ponzi schemer Bernie Madoff and Richard Nixon’s corpse.

When asked to release the audit report revealing details regarding the admissions office’s actions, University President Power Napp told Le Hachét to “blow it out your collective ass.”

Still, he expressed enthusiasm for the hire, calling Armstrong a “role model” for all GW administrators to follow, adding that “he really has the ball for this job.”

“Cat Napper did an excellent job throughout her 35-year tenure, but we felt she came up short toward the end,” Klapp said. “In Lance Armstrong, I believe we have hired a world-class liar. He can come in and immediately pick up where she left off.”

Armstrong’s first week in office has been busy, as he has already tapped seven-time National League MVP Barry Bonds as his second-in-command. Bonds said the two plan to hit the ground running.

“The first thing I told Lance to do was change the office’s name,” Bonds said. “Napper ran an admissions office. This is going to be just the opposite. No admissions. We’re not going to admit to shit – not even under oath.”

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