Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

My resume speaks for itself

Dear Hachét,

I thought it was a given. I thought of course GW would pick me to be its 2013 Commencement speaker.

That’s why, when GW announced Kerry Washington as the keynote speaker, I stopped what I was doing, put on my pink footy pajamas, got into bed with my new kitten and cried for a week.

I thought my resume spoke for itself. After all, I’ve been in a couple of decent films, such as “Doubt,” “The Devil Wears Prada,” “Kramer vs. Kramer” and “The French Lieutenant’s Woman.”

But I guess those just weren’t enough.

It’s humiliating that a grown woman like me has to plead like this. But, University President Power Napp, I ask you to please reconsider your decision. I want nothing more than to speak at Commencement on the National Mall.

I was truly surprised when I wasn’t picked, especially considering the University floated my name as a potential nominee for an honorary degree. But I was on the shortlist.

After some soul searching, I realized why they didn’t pick me. I have, after all, a dismal record in the film industry.

I was nominated for Academy Awards 17 times, only to lose 14 of them in such humiliating defeat that I suppose I would be a terrible choice to deliver an upbeat message.

Who wants the record holder for the most Academy Award losses to deliver an inspirational speech about how the world is your oyster? Clearly, nobody. I guess that’s why they didn’t pick me.

When I look back on my career, I wish I could have done better for myself. But this rejection – from a second-rate university at that – makes me feel as bad as “Sophie’s Choice” made all of you feel.

The University touts Washington as a political activist. Sure, she gave a speech at the Democratic National Convention. But I’m best friends with Hillary Clinton. Didn’t you all see the “Texts With Hillz” pic we took? How’s that for political activism?

Please, please let me be this year’s Commencement speaker.

Meryl Streep, an actress, is sadder than that time a dingo ate her baby.

Where can I find the hook-up culture?

Dear Hachét,

I read recently that between 65 and 75 percent of undergraduates at GW participate in what experts have called the “hook-up culture.”

According to one article, students are having more “casual” sex than ever before. I’m a freshman, so I was hoping you could help me figure out how I can “get in” on this. I’d love to learn more about this “hook-up culture.” Is there, like, a student organization or a club I can join? How often do you have meetings? I bet it lasts late into the night!

Where do these sessions take place?

Is there a class I can take to become more hook-up cultured? If so, I’ll be sure to make room in my schedule next semester.

During my two semesters at GW, I’ve learned lots of things. I’ve learned about protons and neutrons. I’ve read Kant’s “Prolegomena” and Tolstoy’s “War and Peace.” But I have yet to learn about anatomy, if you know what I mean.

Recently I took a poll of my five closest friends. None of us had ever even heard of this culture until now. Some thought it may not even exist.

My typical Friday night starts with a marathon session of Halo 3, which usually goes on for four or five hours. But we get bored after a while and just end up playing Magic: The Gathering.

That said, if there really is a “hook-up culture,” I’d be interested in becoming a part of it. Could you please add me to the listserv?

Sincerely,

Confused

The writer, a freshman majoring in engineering, is a virgin.