Reader's note: These letters are satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.
Let's be honest: We all steal from Whole Fewdz
You’ve seen them in every supermarket. They grab the same free sample a few times, they nibble at some grapes; maybe they start munching on a cookie from the bakery. These are the grazers. Sure, it’s technically stealing, but who cares, it’s just a few grapes, right? Does Whole Fewdz really need the money?
Nope. Which is why I steal from Whole Fewdz at least five times a week. And I know I’m not the only one, because how could I be when it’s so goddamn easy? If you’re part of the minority on campus that hasn’t stolen from Whole Fewdz, here is an easy step-by-step guide:
Step 1: Go into the store and get some food. Either have them make it for you or scoop it into one of those boxes the store conveniently provides.
Step 2: Walk out of the store.
It’s that simple, and I’m not talking grapes and cookies anymore. Wanna grab a whole 18-inch pizza? It’s free-ninety-nine. How about some $12 sushi made fresh to order? Use your five finger discount.
The next time you’re in Whole Fewdz, you could use your credit card to stock up on that – surprisingly delicious – $3 wine, or, you could do what I did last time I was there, and fill up a gallon jug with the honey they have on tap and give it to the homeless guy who chills out front.
Why? Because we can. And because we miss Safewayz and being able to pay a reasonable price for bread, milk anything. Seriously, fuck Whole Fewdz.
Robin Hood, who lives in The Avenue, steals from the rich and gives to the poor.
Diversity starts at home
If you haven’t noticed that the University is really pushing diversity on campus, then you really haven’t been paying any attention to fucking anything.
Every day, it seems like University President Stealing a Nap and his distinguished Council on Acceptance create a new initiative to attract fewer wealthy Jews from New Jersey to campus. Shit, we have even hired a new Vice Provost for Acceptance, Dr. Terri Fiedofhomogeniety.
Yet it seems curious that, with all the big talk about diversity, the University has failed to recognize one major part of the community that is still seriously lacking in this department.
That’s right, Nap's dog is white.
So much so, he was probably picked up from a pound right in the middle of Greenwich, Conn.
Wouldn’t a nice new pup from another country fit nicely into the University’s diversity initiative? I am thinking something exotic, perhaps from Germany, Argentina or Morocco.
Maybe GW School of Business Dean Dougie Funny can find one in China.
This seems like a pretty obvious goal, but apparently Nap is too busy walking his yuppy pup to the beautiful new Ames Hall.
As Fiedofhomogeniety told me, “I feel that I have accomplished a lot of new diversity and inclusion initiatives on campus this year. But for some reason, Stealing just won’t listen to me about that damn dog!”
It’s time for you to step up to the plate, Nap, and really make GW an accepting and open community.
After all, diversity does start at home.
Schlomo Rabinowitz is a Jew from New Jersey.
GW students, take yourselves more seriously
We need to start taking ourselves more seriously.
Seriously people YOGWO. If you have not figured out post-grad life by now, you are really just wasting your time and daddy’s money. But more importantly, if you don’t know it all now, you never will.
Students spend too much time on activities that are not furthering their career goals. What, you're not sure what you want to do in the future? Out. Of. The. Question.
You are taking a class in Peace Studies? Enjoy unemployment.
Changing majors, again? I hope you marry rich.
This idea that you have your whole life ahead of you is both dangerous and naïve. Time at GW that is not spent calculating how much money you will make in the private sector before becoming congressman, senator, governor or president is time wasted.
This is THE George Washington University. We have THE Ivory Tower. These are not titles to take lightly.
Literally, the rest of your life depends on you doing extremely well here. So act like it.
Every single millisecond at this University matters. Time spent not preparing for the future will only mean that you will spend your time cleaning the country club pool rather than swimming in it.
You mean you are not interning on the Hill? I guess you don’t believe in changing the world.
Skipping study abroad? I guess you aren’t really cultured.
GW is too important of a place to have students who are not dedicated to becoming the next leaders. The University cannot survive without wealthy donors. So you better start coming up with cash quick or that degree – if you even graduate – will be a mere quarter-million dollar bookmark. Let’s be honest, if you are not serious, I don’t think even your daddy will hire you.
H.W. Worthington IV is interning on Capitol Hill.