Reader's note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.
Unarmed Police Department Chief Dolores Wantsaglock has been bending over backwards (sorry for the visual) to convince the University that giving her army of glorified security guards guns would be a really solid idea.
"Currently, my team just isn't equipped to deal with hordes of inebriated, leggings-clad females on daily basis," Wantsaglock commented. "Fully loaded assault weapons would also give them the confidence to handle displays of public masturbation in an efficient manner."
Now, we love guns as much as the next red-blooded American, and as such, The Buzzkill's editorial board has carefully analyzed this issue from all possible angles. We can safely say that there is only one sensible solution: arm The Buzzkill's editorial board.
Oh, come on, you know it's a good idea. Seriously though, who would do a better job than us? Nobody, that's who. We are by far the most informed, most objective and simply most intelligent members of the GW community.
Now, as we explicitly make clear in the staff editorial below, we do NOT want to be given any information that would force us to do any actual reporting. Still, on the off chance that we ever do want to find something out, just think how persuasive we will be able to be.
We would do such a good job. Just picture it: Instead of an UPD officer knocking on your door in response to a noise complaint, you could have the opportunity of a lifetime to meet The Buzzkill's whole editorial board - no autographs please. Then, we would proceed to debate for a minimum of 30 minutes about whether the situation calls for a gun response.
And if we do find ourselves in a situation that warrants gun use, we can guarantee that trigger-happy SOBs like us will not hesitate shooting to kill.