First, how is it that the "Jerry Springer" show scrapes the bottom of the sleaze barrel but boasts top ratings in many national markets? Have we really sunk so low that we are mesmerized by incredibly ridiculous topics like "I'm pregnant by my brother" and "Girls who say their grandmothers dress too provocatively"?
I remember when Geraldo Rivera's nose being broken by a chair-wielding neo-Nazi caused a huge stir. The media and the public wondered how a show could go so low. Geraldo used to be a respected journalist - he was famous for his investigation of New York's horrendous mental wards. But his respectiability plummeted when he purposely threw together opinionated people who were not afraid to use baseball bats or brass knuckles to express themselves.
Now we are amazed by a "Springer" episode that does not dissolve into a cat-fight or free-for-all. At least Geraldo had some decency, going on stage with his legion of bouncers to break up brawls. Jerry Springer stays far away from the action. And while the audience hoots and hollers for blood - and after a few moments' delay so the cameras catch everything - Springer's bouncers spring into action to break up the fight. Jerry is Satan's little helper. By destroying our sense of shame, he is taking us down the path to fire and brimstone.
Second, why does Martha Stewart still have a job? For years she has been telling the average Joe and Joan how to evolve from classless, trailer-park slobs into respectable, trailer-park aristocracy. She views herself as the epitome of perfection. Have you ever noticed the smug way she looks at the camera when she's telling us how to make the perfect pheasant pudding? Or when she's telling us how turn used Kleenex into a gorgeous evening gown?
She's an evil MacGuyver. MacGuyver could make a thermonuclear bomb with a bottle of White-Out, two rolls of toilet paper and a match. Stewart can magically transform a weed-infested, overgrown yard into gardens that rival the National Cathedral's. The woman is pure evil, I tell you!
Third, the world is still being haunted by the creation of spandex. Spandex, as someone once said, is a privilege, not a right. As the weather warms, some may be tempted to sport their spandex attire and share the sight with the rest of us. Before they do, they should take a few minutes to pause and reflect.
Have they been working out diligently through the winter months? Did people stare and whistle when they wore spandex in the past? Were their spandex garments purchased during the Clinton era, or are they from previous Republican administrations? (Spandex is not like wine - age does not improve it.) If the answer to one or more of these questions is "no," then perhaps they should not be wearing spandex.
Both men and women are guilty of contributing to the world's doom by wearing spandex unnecessarily. While enjoying a beautiful day on the National Mall, the last thing one wants to see is a grossly out-of-shape individual strutting his or her stuff in spandex. Each violator of the spandex rule is an agent of the devil. Don't believe me? Go to Tower Video and rent any Richard Simmons exercise video. He is the leader of the satanic spandex cults that are springing up around the country.
These are but a few reasons why I strongly believe we're all in trouble. I'm sure atheists will tell me I'm an idiot for believing in such a thing as the devil, but how else can such things be explained? Jerry Springer, Martha Stewart and spandex could not exist in the same time frame by coincidence. Something dark and sinister is at work.
-The writer is associate editor of The GW Hatchet.